The Crossing

I don't know if I can ever have another boyfriend post-Jonathan. I came to the realization, that in a way, I have never broken up with him fully. I still hold him in the same place I had before, though not externally, internally, at least in my mind and perhaps heart. I subconsciously (and even consciously sometimes) judge others by him, and I have by most measures that others come up short, to my mind.

Perhaps there is something to the idea that there is something inherently in the human soul that, once bound to another human soul, is not loosed from that communion until the death of the other. I do not know.

On the other hand, I have felt oneness with Josh before in a quite powerful way, indeed -- but it is episodic, not continual. Indeed, I feel disconnected from him more often than not. It is as if there is a respect and an esteem I hold for Jonathan that I do not hold for Josh, or for anyone else, for that matter.

I do not say that I am right in this, only that it appears to be the reality of where I am.

Choose to Ask

In every moment, there is a way to walk that leads to eternal life. I want to choose this direction, and yet I am hapless to find it out without a director. If I try to find the path myself, I will miss the mark, and yet indeed I must seek it; I will seek it, and then I will be still and listen; close my eyes and ask, "what is the direction?".

There are markers set, these are the hints like the flashing arrow in a video game -- "this way to progress" -- or the "WRONG WAY" sign I see when I mistakenly try to enter an exit on the highway.

I am too small, too limited, in my self, to see these things by mere human instinct, because my instincts as a mortal are to preserve my mortality as long as possible; and yet, it is only if I lose my life that I will find it. If I am like the rich man who came to Jesus asking, "What must I do to achieve eternal life?", and then walk away sorrowfully when told I must give all my things to the poor and follow him, then I will not ascend. For I follow Jesus -- and he ascended, as witnessed by his disciples -- then I, too, will ascend.

Like waters in the ocean, I am in a sea of life, but I am nothing of consequence acting alone in isolation. I will meditate on the guiding principles, because they open up my mind to understanding the way, and they prepare my heart to receive the law. It is only when I ask with joy for the law, as the psalmist in Pslams 119, that I know that I have a proper understanding of it. And, when I keep his commandments and "his commandments are not odious", then they are truly written on my heart, and they are my helpers.

I must never follow a law out of dread, for that is a path of sorrow and futility, and doesn't even lead to life. The pursuit of mere religion is to accept as "gospel" the rules someone else has ordained, and then with great difficulty to attempt to observe them *mindfully*. But this was never the desire of our creator, that we would see life as a terrible struggle to live up to some perceived perfection of another; no, that is bondage, and his yoke is easy and his burden is light!

Compulsion is a device of the evil one; free will is the gift of Creator / Lover / All Is. Decrees and statutes are not to be carried with difficulty, placed as heavy burdens. It is true that right-ness, righteousness, is pictured in perfect observance of these; and we must accept that this is so to walk in righteousness. But it is the picture of our goal, our promised land, what WILL BE at the end of the path. No compassionate human mother gives birth to a child, and then is angry and shrill with her when she cannot walk, talk, and make her own bed immediately! Imagine the terror of the child if she knew this was expected of her immediately, and she tried to accomplish any of these tasks in her newborn state and failed miserably. This is the picture of us trying to achieve what we cannot in our own power in the place we are in.

The joy of life is knowing that the work has all been done for us, that life was never meant to be this hard. The holy law is our enemy if we take it on as a goal to achieve by ourselves; it is our friend, if we use it as a reference to know whether we are on track, and to merely ask for help when we are not. "Ask and you shall receive."

It is a path of joy and mercy, because our creator joyfully gives mercy to those who seek life with their whole heart, overlooking the missteps taken to get to here.

It matters not where you are, but only your direction: where are you going?

LM: I have done this or that wrong, and I have failed in doing right.

CG: This is good to know. Truth and honesty are required to walk in the path of life. I am here for you. I have never asked of you what you cannot do. Indeed, I ask nothing of you but you ask of me, and it is my joy to give you your request for life. You can always talk to me, and the channel is always opened with honesty. There is nothing you have done that is final while you live; why would you seek to deceive me? I joy in truth, and so shall you. I care not for what you have done, if you seek now life. I create paths in every eternal moment for each of you who seeks life. Your steps are made for you, do not work to create your own, but follow me faithfully, full of faith in me, that I am good and I will lead you home.

Seek now.

Ridiculous Thoughts

There was never a not now. So which is the real me? How do I judge myself? Indeed, should I judge myself? I see so many signs. I am confused. Or maybe I am not confused, and I do not like the answer I know.

A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.

Shame and guilt are wearing me.

I am not as beautiful as I thought I was. It is more work.

Ugliness creeps out, bursts forth, it spews from my heart out of my mouth. For, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." You cannot deceive God, who searches the hearts of everyone. Every idle word will be accounted. If every idle word, then what of the pre-meditated word, brashly spoken? Indeed, is there a difference? What is in the heart comes out, so it must be that the idle word is only idle to the ignorant who deems it wrongly so. The Freudian slip.

I laugh, but it I have not peace.

Laughter can come from the surface. Peace comes from the true center of your soul, and bursts forth as rivers of living water, giving life to you and to those who partake of you. "Unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood..." So if I am a branch in the vine, then who partakes of me partakes of the vine itself, for I am grafted in. But if I am withered and broken off of the vine, then I am dead, and I have no life, and he who partakes of me dies also. For we who are mortal eat dead flesh, but it was not so from the beginning.

When will I live again? Give me this day, my daily bread; the living bread. But can I partake of this bread unwashed? For as those who were unclean can not partake in the passover, am I also not prepared to receive? For this reason many of you have become sick or fallen asleep, not discerning the body of Christ.

But we have grace, because where sin abounds, grace is even more abundant. If we still have breath, then the Spirit yet strives with us, breathing into us more grace and beckoning us to another eternal choice everpresent in the Now.

Break me from the bondage of the past, and the dread of the future, into the everlasting now! It is darkness that keeps me bound to my past, that lies to my face and tells me it is me forever, that the carcass I carry is all I have. I cannot erase my past in this shadow world; it casts long shadows that I and the world can see. But is a phantom compared to Me-In-Now, and I cannot be bound by it, except when I choose to be enslaved to it, as I have often. Why do I choose this? Because I have no faith. If I do not believe that the door leads me out of time bondage, then I will die in the dread of the future.

But I have life now! I can choose to continue in this eternal gift of manifold dimension, or else to live in the projected flat world with certain end.

Am I altogether unclean?

"He who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean, but not all of you."

"In My Name" (Couch Quest)

Our little family is currently couchless, and so Josh and I have been shopping on Craig's List for someone else's rejects -- me being shameless about used furniture and all -- and in the course of this couch quest, we've sent a few emails and left a voicemails.

I say "we" with special emphasis because it seems the lines have blurred between him and me, with Josh composing emails from my computer via my email account and signing my name....

...That's when I remembered how funny I feel about someone using my name -- to write in my name, or speak in my name. I remember thinking, "Wait, let me proofread that email before you send it!", and well.... "Oh dear, I don't write like that, but he signed my name to it."

I was a bit uncomfortable about it, frankly. However, I didn't say anything because Josh is my boyfriend and I didn't want to offend him; I know how he has been made to feel in the past by past boyfriends and other friends anxious to correct his grammar or spelling, and it's not a nice feeling. He feels, I believe, that it's rather uppity and rude, and I understand that.... it kind of is. Instead of reacting, I took the time to contemplate: why *is* it that I did not like someone writing in my name?

This wasn't the first time it's happened, either. I remember another one of my friends (honestly, I can't remember which one) a few years ago playfully hijacking one of my IM sessions and typing to one of my friends... it was in fun, but I remember being rather sharp with him: "Do NOT type as me! Do not EVER use my name and identify yourself as me!" I can't remember his exact reaction, but I recall that he certainly seemed puzzled and maybe even a bit amused at what he deemed was my overreaction to a little harmless fun!

But it is true: I feel a sense of violation at being impersonated. It's as if I think, "Hey, *I* am *me*, and no one else is *me*." And using my name is a violation of this sense of this personhood I jealously possess.

Hmmm, did I just say "jealously possess"? Gee, those are words I do not like to attribute to me. But indeed, how else can I describe it?

The thought occurred to me then, and now, that there is also a certain jealous God who is very jealous of his name, and who often, according to the Scriptures, would do things to protect his name, and did not look kindly to those "taking his name in vain." I know a common interpretation of this is to say that we should not use his name as a curse word, and I can certainly see that they would indeed be using his name lightly.

But I am confident it also means much more: that to blaspheme the name of God and his Christ, is to do things in his name that do not reflect well on him. I know I have done this, calling myself a CHRISTian, or associating myself as a follower of Jesus, and acting in a very unloving manner. Maybe I was ugly towards a friend, or a stranger, or ungrateful, or even hateful, and wearing a "Jesus" t-shirt, and, "My name is blasphemed among the nations because of you!"

Remember this, it was much easier to not get so righteous about my own name. So what if Josh used my name to write an email, or to leave a voicemail? Maybe he didn't use the same exact words I would have used, or write as grammatically correct an email as I might have written -- and I do say might, because I am sure mine would have had errors as well, just not the same ones.

Because, really, what are those things in the grand scheme of things, anyway? Is it not well for me to be happy that he spoke in the same *spirit* as me if not in letter (for, "the letter kills, but the spirit gives life"), representing me quite well, I might add, perhaps even better than I deserve?

Yes, I do think it's important that we respect the name of another; but those of us who jealously possess our egos would do well to make sure we protect what is really important, and not worship an idol of form and structure like a religionist, like a Pharisee: "You are like whitewashed tombs, which look *beautiful on the outside* but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean."

Indeed, worshiping structure and form is a form of heartless, loveless rule-loving (legalism), in which we care more about rules than people.

Yes, precision is important, and rules are useful tools without which there can be a failure in accomplishing some task. I will continue to strive for excellence, to be precise, to be "correct" in my construction of a sentence, an exercise program, a budget... a relationship. But all these are subservient to loving, because the rules are our servants, and we are not theirs, for Jesus said, "The Sabbath [the day of rest, when we are to enjoy resting] was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath." It was not made to make life miserable for people, as the Pharisees did in Jesus' day, making up more and more rules that were difficult for people to follow on the Sabbath, until the day of rest became a day of work because you had to work not to break the rules accidentally.

If they don't ask, don't tell

There is a nugget of wisdom that I frequently choose to forget, or else I have not yet appreciated it enough to follow it: don't give unsolicited advice, however good or appropriate or timely it may seem. It is neither desired nor heeded, and worse yet, it delays its worthy acceptance because the hearer has already heard it before -- at the *wrong* time. Why is it the "wrong" time? Simply because it wasn't *sought.*

For, "seek, and you shall find."

I always wondered why it just wasn't laid out for us. Why do we have to seek for it? Is this some kind of a joke God plays on us, hiding the nuggets of wisdom we need to get through our life and lessen our heartaches?

Because I know every time I really made any small leap of faith that increased my understanding -- I know every time I really learned something, a true *heart* lesson -- it was when I was willing to *give up* what I thought about it before, and truly open my heart and mind, and seek *truth*, letting the chips fall as they would. Because sometimes the truth is not something we want to face: it is uncomfortable and exposes our faults. Indeed, it seems the very reason we have to seek it is because the seeking is the action one takes when she is ready to face truth, come what may, and whatever the consequences may befall her ego in the process.

But sometimes -- I am ashamed to say this -- I am proud of my knowledge ("knowledge puffs up", inflates one's perception of himself) and see an opportunity to share it with someone whom I believe can benefit. Of course, this is ridiculous, because my knowledge is really puny, and nothing to be proud of in the first place! Secondly, it is ego-centric to see the situations of others always in light of one's own experiences. However similar, there are always differences, many of which are not known because we do not know someone else's internal world.

On the other hand, I do believe that others *can* benefit from some wisdom we've learned through our life experiences, but this only really builds up another when it is guided by the divine. And the Divine tells us, "seek, and you will find", and, "ask, and you will be answered."

So, if I am loving someone else, why would I presume to answer a question that hasn't been asked? I cannot.

Running in place

A gym.

Why am I running in place? It sure takes a lot of energy. Perhaps that energy could be better used to do something useful... like for someone else! Something is wrong, when I have to go the gym to keep myself in shape because I eat too much and I do too little with my body. It is certain that I am rich, and that I have to spend my wealth to keep myself from showing the signs of my opulence on my waistline!

But it sure feels funny... not right, definitely. I could donate my labor to help others. Then would I need to *pay* a monthly health club membership to run but go nowhere to keep from having to buy new pants because I pay too much for portions of food that are too big because I have no self control?

But, I'm not the only person doing this. I see a lot of people here... that there's a good chance they might be in the same predicament. That always makes me feel... more comfortable.

Since when is what other people do a worthy justification?

Oh, I guess it's not, it's just easy to take comfort in that knowledge.

...There's that word again: comfort. Comfortable. I don't want to be un-comfortable. Isn't that what life is about? More comfort, less discomfort. Less pain. A good time. Why should I be uncomfortable?

Indeed....

19"Now there was a rich man, and he habitually dressed in purple and fine linen, joyously living in splendor every day.

20"And a poor man named Lazarus was laid at his gate, covered with sores,

21and longing to be fed with the crumbs which were falling from the rich man's table; besides, even the dogs were coming and licking his sores.

22"Now the poor man died and was carried away by the angels to Abraham's bosom; and the rich man also died and was buried.

23"In Hades he lifted up his eyes, being in torment, and saw Abraham far away and Lazarus in his bosom.

24"And he cried out and said, 'Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus so that he may dip the tip of his finger in water and cool off my tongue, for I am in agony in this flame.'

25"But Abraham said, 'Child, remember that during your life you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus bad things; but now he is being comforted here, and you are in agony.

....Hmmm. I have been given many good things. What have I done with them? I have an iPod, a computer, more food than I need -- so much that I need to spend more to stay "fit" -- and running water, a car, debt to buy all the toys I "needed." I wonder if that counts as "joyously living in splendor every day."

But I don't have any poor person begging at my apartment door... so I can't apply this to me.

"You can't?"

No, like I said, the story doesn't fit me because there's no one begging at my door. Of course of there was, I would give him food. You know me, I have a compassionate heart.

"You live in a connected world. You could easily alleviate the suffering of many with the click of a mouse, or with the speed of a car ride to a food bank or a soup kitchen."

True. You mean, I don't just wait for them to come to me?

"Well, it's true when they come to you, you rarely turn them down. But think about it! People in need don't always have the ways or means to get to you. Yet, you have plenty of ways and means. Go to them. 'Great commission' ring a bell?"

But I don't always think of it. I only tend to see a need when it's staring me in the face.

"Well, it sounds like it is staring you in the face NOW."

Yes.

"So act on it. Occasionally, you do THINK about it. But, be a doer and not just a hearer, or you're just deceiving yourself about truth and reality. Reality is what happens. It is what is DONE, not merely what is THOUGHT."

I thought if you thought it, it was done.

"Only if it is."

Rrright. I get it.

"Do you? You don't, unless you DO."

Do IT -- act on IT, you mean.

"It is true that it begins with a thought. The thought is a seed. But a seed must be watered, and the soil must be cultivated and plowed, and ready to receive the seed. There is a SMALL amount of work you must do to see the seed become fruit. And I do mean small. I do most of the work."

That's a relief.

"Of course it is. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. But there IS a yoke and a burden. You always remember the 'easy' and 'light', but you forget the 'yoke' and the 'burden.'"

It is of course a burden I want. I want to see the fruit. It is joyous fruit, the fruit of peace of and of love and of harmony between people -- it is sweet!

"If you only knew how joyous. You have such a tiny glimpse of it. But I smile that you do have the tiny glimpse. Hold on to it. It is a seed itself, and it will grow, too, if you take care that you stay broken and are good soil for the seed."

I want to. It is a light burden! It's not too heavy. The reward is so much greater than the work. It is the Way, truly!

"Yes. But do remember to bear the burden. Strength comes with a *little* pain. It is why I do not put more on you than you bear. That would be counterproductive. You don't train your physical muscles that way -- you would just destroy them utterly. No, you endure a little pain, and then you grow, and then.. you can take MORE. To others, it seems like a lot, because their muscles aren't as developed. But to you, it's virtually the same. It has the SAME FEEL of a much lesser burden -- the same sting, the same ache. But bearable, and you will be so willing to bear it because you know with joy that you will soon be able to bear more, and thus multiply!"

You are certainly speaking to more than me, or to me in some future. I hardly bear a lot now.

"I was. I am. And you did, and you will. If, you will. If, your will is my will."

Make it so.

"You always want me to do that. You know, that is the only thing I can't -- won't -- do."

I fail utterly, often.

"Of course you do. You are flesh. But, you don't have to. It is a lie that you MUST."

But you offered me the excuse of being human, didn't you?

"No, I pointed out a tendency. A strong tendency, to be sure. But the paradox of the truth of reality is that when there is a 95% tendency towards a particular outcome, is that the eternal point of each choice makes that totally irrelevant."

Huh?

"You can always choose against your tendency. Your flesh. Indeed, you must, or you will not live."

I never understood that completely. How do I live now? How does anyone live? It seems to me, at least, that we -- or should I say "I" (why do I always try to speak for everyone else?) -- *mostly* choose what is our *natural* tendency.

"Yes, but I don't."

But you don't do anything to violate our will, right? So, why do we not die right away?

"You are wandering all over the place. Try standing still."

I see.

So, it is true that if I am running, I should be doing it purposefully. Hopefully, for a purpose other than to just satisfy my own narrow interest of propping up my ego. But there is a time also to stand still and be quiet.

Which is now.

Closing up

I am noticing that I have become increasingly inhibited again, keeping my thoughts and feelings private. I felt a tinge of jealousy at people having fun last night at the club, while I felt helpless to do so without the aid of alcohol or weed. I felt anti-social at times, retreating to my car to be alone and not feel the pressure of being social, as well as to escape the smoke burning my eyes.

Speaking of which, I have very itchy eyes now, and what seems to be a sinus headache.

I was thinking on the way back home from the club last night that I am retreating to the private world I was in before I did drugs or, to a lesser extent, drink. I have rarely ever danced in public without the aid of an external chemical agent, usually alcohol. However, I have decided that alcohol has had such a negative impact on my life (unprotected sex, DWI arrest and trial, two public intoxications and two wrecked cars, among other things!) that I must not drink it again, even socially, simply because it complicates my life to be on the watch for "safe" drinking vs "unsafe" drinking.

My relationship with JG has also taken a step backwards in some respects as I have all but closed myself off to him sexually, retreating back into the "comfortable" world of my sexual fantasies, where I don't have to deal with the real world where I can feel uncomfortable or where I can hurt someone else, or be hurt myself. The truth is, while I recognize my responsibility for my emotions now -- something I failed to do in the past, blaming others for them -- I choose not to engage in things which will make me too uncomfortable and bring those hurt feelings. But I know, too, that is not without consequence. If I continue on this path without dealing with them, I will stunt our relationship, or at the least, change its nature. I cannot expect him to be satisfied with our lack of sex life.

I see so many parallels in my relationship with JG and my relationship with God. I keep things to myself, afraid to share. What is interesting is that our relationship started off very open, with us both sharing. But now I am closing off, reluctant to stir the waters further, and hoping to enjoy what I have without needing to further deal with a particular problem area.

Tubscrubbing

I'm really slacking in the virtual world that is MySpace: today I finally replied to two nice people who messaged me in *September*.

It's just that nothing in my life has been very constant lately; my roommates of the last two years moved out, one of my best friends moved to San Antonio, and I was on my hands and knees more than once tonight.... scrubbing two tubs and cleaning two bathrooms getting ready for my boyfriend to move in tomorrow.

Did I say BOYFRIEND?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

I've been single since 2003 and, frankly, was thinking that might be the best lifestyle for me. Oh, sure, I'd sought some companionship lately, but I wasn't at all convinced that I was ready for the... BOYFRIEND thingy again. And heck, who knows if I am yet, but the great thing is I am not worried about it *because* he's a great guy and we're aware of our relationship in a way that makes me feel comfortable that in any case, I want to take the journey down that unknown path that is the coupled life, with him.

Maybe it's a cop out, but I've come to disdain labels like "boyfriend" or "gay" or "straight" because I find them restrictive. I don't want to be bound by any restrictive concept or ideal except... love. I don't mind *love* constraining me and reigning in my unbounded desire because I truly believe it is the only reason to live at all. The very essence of life is caught up in the dynamics of relationships with people, and life is fueled by love, that is, expressing your kinship with others in action, making oneness reality. It is living the truth of that oneness, bringing joy to my own soul because I can laugh deep in my soul when I real-ize my happiness is only real-ized when I am actively engaged in letting God's love flow out of me to others.

So, what are the rules in our relationship? Who knows! We have discussed various things, and I think we both know where we want to be and what we accept in each other and in our us-ness. But the bottom line is, I don't want to approach it like a set of rules... because I am not in love with a set of rules; I'm in love with Josh! I know if I do, it will cheat our relationship from being anything other than a "normal" one. And I don't want normal. I want it to be bound by nothing but love for him and his love for me. Because ultimately, those directed actions of goodwill to each other are expressions of our love for ourselves.

I don't want to impose my needs on him, nor do I want his imposed on me. That is not to say I don't want to give him his desires. I do. It is to say, rather, that I want to more than anything for him to be him because that will make me happy.... whether apart or together.

Because, really, if we have an honest relationship that is fully accepting, I have no doubt that, in whatever form, we cannot *not* be together. It would simply be impossible, because true unity cannot be broken, certainly not in mere physical separation.

Bush's 9/11/06 Speech -- Partisan?

I did not get to watch Bush's speech last night live. Indeed, I forgot that he was going to be speaking, as I was doing my best to avoid the whole 9/11 rehash. I saw it when it happened on TV in 2001, thank you very much, and I remember the horror, and those kinds of things really spook me. Really. Not looking for a replay.

Besides, I figured it would probably just be a mushy speech memoralizing the 9/11 victims, telling Americans, "Hey, me and my administration are doing all we can, blah, blah, blah." No new policy announcements, etc.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I hopped onto CNN late this afternoon to see the reaction -- and lo and behold, there is an outcry from the Democrats about how "partisan" Bush's speech was. He's using his bully pulpit to defend his policy in Iraq, even though Iraq has nothing to do with 9/11, they cry!

Okay, I think. I'll go watch it. Thank goodness, CNN had the video of the entire speech -- just over sixteen minutes -- on their website.

I did not find Bush's speech to be very partisan at all. Yes, he took the opportunity to defend his controversial policies in Iraq, but if he had not, it is likely that the Democrats would have -- I think rightfully -- pounced on the omission as an attempt by the President to skirt an issue that is on every American's mind: what are we doing in Iraq, and what does it have to do with the events of September 11? Bush needed to either defend the relevancy of Iraq, or else renounce his administration's position in light of the current situation. I think it does a disservice to the memory of the victims of the 9/11 tragedy to ignore the glaring issue of Iraq in the name of avoiding partisanship. No, I think the Democrats and other dissidents of the administration's Iraq policy are not annoyed at "partisanship" in his speech so much as they are about his policy, period. As I said, ignoring it would have generated a different kind of criticism; the only way for Bush to have made his Iraq critics happy last night would be to have announced an about face on Iraq.

It should not be considered "partisan" for a President to explain and defend his administration's policies, or to try to convince the American people of the wisdom of those policies. I suspect the anger is probably just frustration from policy critics who don't have the power of the President's office (the President's "bully pulpit", as Sen Harry Reid reminded us) to get their views out.

Match Point .2

My thoughts wander... desire seems so innocent. There's nothing wrong with feeling good, is there?

"Only if feeling good is what you seek."

Why?

"Because your eyes are darkened."

My eyes are darkened?

"Oh, yes. You live in a world of illusion created by human-made philosophy that works about as well in practice as the plot in a bad B movie -- or really any fictional account, if you unravel it carefully enough. You have swallowed it hook, line, and sinker, because it suits your tastes."

But, it doesn't... really. It just feels good in a moment. Then I feel a sad knowing in my inner being, in my center, that I just took a hit of crystal meth.

"It's the same thing, no doubt. Snort it, smoke it -- or, do it 'safely' by not doing it physically it all, just ingest the thought form and you'll experience the same euphoria."

Yeah. But there's always coming down. That sucks.

"Well, yes. Reality is reality. Fantasy is non-reality. Stoking the fires of a phantom thought burns life, just as snorting meth rots your body. Decomposition of another form, but it's all death."

So , chasing the feel good with darkened eyes is dangerous?

"Sort of. Chasing the feel good darkens your eyes. But yes, then in the further darkness, you will grasp onto worse horrors that you imagine are 'pleasurable' and 'good'. But never forget that it starts with breaking the first commandment,put no one and nothing before the Creator."

So I should suffer?

"You call that suffering? You know nothing of suffering, then. Look around those of you who suffer from your lack of attention to loving them because your feel good chase is more important than their lives."

You're right, I'm sorry. When I say it out aloud, I do feel very foolish and childish.

"Don't feel sorry. You feel sorry a lot, and you ingest that poison like it's a wonderful little medicine that makes your destructive actions go away."

So I shouldn't repent?

"Repenting and feeling sorry aren't the same thing. Repenting is acknowledging your error and yielding your will to mine. If in your inner being, you yield your will and truly turn to Me, you will feel sorrow for your transgression, but it's an effect of your yielding to my Spirit, not a shallow self-application of your own emotion. You know the difference. There's a worldof difference."

I know. I do do that a lot. I am driven by my emotions. I run to them when I want to feel good, and then when I've chased the feel good even when I see the yellow caution lights and then the red lights and run them -- I run to the feel sorry to atone.

"Yeah, well, it stinks. I mean, literally. Pungent."

Gosh, I'm sorry. Yes, I know that's ironic. Sorry. I mean.... I'll stop now.

"I overlook a lot. And I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I was telling you the truth. Humility has a beautiful fragrance. False humility is really the same as pride; they both emit an awful stench. Really. I'm not telling you something you don't already know. You can sense it yourself in others sometimes -- just not so easily in yourself."

I know. And I do see it in myself, sometimes, really. But I do have a bad habit of trying to remedy by... well, yes, feeling sorry.

"Well, don't confuse the tinge of conviction, which I do give you with my Spirit, and the runaway feel sorry you immediately start to chug like a strong drink. And trust me, they both make you really do dumb things."

Point taken. I'm getting sleepy. What do I do know? I don't feel sorry, strangely.

"Good."

Good?

"Good. Do something useful."

Like?

"Yield."

Okay. :)

Match Point

Please, God, discipline me here. I don't want to die in my sins.

Diseased

Breathing biohazard, beware!

I hope I'm not in an accident, and my blood stains someone's soul forever as it has mine.

The price of a dog.

It is finished

I can see that all my fruit has been corrupt. All my influence on people in the world has been destructive. I've brought disease, laziness, selfishness, and strife and dissent into people's lives. All those under my sphere of influence are failing and becoming more and more corrupt. And, corrupt fruit is evidence of a corrupt tree. Even when I've thought I've repented, I apparently have still held onto corruption, bringing my own demons of strife and dissent into doctrinal issues. I did this internally at FUPC-Euless, externally with Sosal, and I've sowed the seeds of division because of my own sins, hating to be reproved for my error, like Cain. I'm a filthy, depraved, abomination, self-deceived for many years, and without hope -- unless God intervenes and is merciful. But I don't know if I can trust myself again.

Adios, Tongue Piercing

I had it removed on Tuesday due to health concerns.

This weenie got his tongue pierced!!

I mean me, of course. Kind of on a lark. Was told it wouldn't hurt any more than ears. Wrong. It wasn't terrible, by any means; but it did hurt more than getting my ears pierced, which incidentally, I also had re-pierced this weekend. Other than my tongue being all swollen and my throat hurting... I feel just fine and dandy. :p

On an unrelated note... I am officially recommending the movie Click (Adam Sandler), mostly on the basis that it definitely exceeded my expectations (I was only seeing it because my nephews wanted to see it), and the fact that I think it has a powerful message for the receptive listener. It was definitely more than I expected from an Adam Sandler flick; I'm not much for his schtick.

What is "repentance"?

It's not rocket science. Its really simple. Its called not doing whatever it is that you think you so need to do to be happy. Because whatever it is, it is that into which you are placing your faith -- misplacing your faith. Because nothing besides God will deliver you true joy, and bring your true contentment. The problem is, the more stubbornly you hold to your own ways, to your own thinking, the harder your heart becomes and the harder it becomes for you to have the veil of darkness lifted off of you. You must repent. That means, to give up what you believe in, because what you believe in isnt. It simply does not exist. It is a phantom, it is vanity, it is empty. Oh, sure, it may seem very real, indeed. But even if it works for most situations and finally fails terribly... then it wasnt pure truth. It was at best, a facsimile of truth.

See, anything you hold on to -- I must look this way to be happy, I must have this kind of relationship to be fulfilled in life, I must experience this physical sensation to fulfill a craving... it is an idol that you worship. You bow to it, you are a slave to it, and yet you are horribly unfulfilled even when it yields the little pleasure it does. You are simply squeezing a drop of pleasure out of a process that God has created for a specific purpose ... except you are robbing from God by not following his Spirits lead and letting him give it to you when it will bring you the best benefit and will not harm you.

Lets not make this hard. Its not. Not if you really understand who GOD is and that HE LOVES YOU and wants you to experience joy and contentment beyond what you can even imagine in your fallen, natural mind. It would literally BLOW YOUR MIND. You cant handle it because you wouldnt even recognize it in your fallen state. As you repent, and continue to give yourself, a liviing sacrifice, to GOD everyday, he is able to take that room which you have c reated by peelng off another layer of living for self and replace it with something that is soooo much better... because it is a taste of the world to come. He literally gives us beauty for ashes, precious jewels in exchange for our lowly rags that we cling to as our security blankets.

Oh, that we would see! That is why repentance must come before GOD can give us his GIFT. See, we do not work for it. It is a terrible misunderstanding that we have fallen for, that we think that accepting the need for repentance somehow means we have to work for our salvation and it is no longer a gift. Oh, no, no, NO! Have you ever tried to give someone something, completely free of charge, but they couldnt take it from you because their hands were full, their cart was full, and all their storage rooms were full, with so much JUNK that they didnt have ROOM to take it? Its the same with our lives. It is not that GOD is placing some insurmountable condition on us to receive his gift... its just that we simply arent ABLE to receive something when are lives our full with other things we cling to -- and we cling to them foolishly to our own destruction, sadly!

Oh, no... My yoke is easy, and my burden is light!, the Lord beckons to us. Try it! GIVE UP. Quit TRYING. There is NOTHING YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH ON YOUR OWN. Nothing that lasts past death, at least, and what else matters besides that? Everything else is temporary, except our souls. This is what we must keep forever, and yet we spend our lives chasing dollars to deck our temporary houses of flesh that will shrivel and be eaten by bacteria, and to transport them in comfortable cages of steel and plastic to houses that will not last more than a few hundred years at best. All the while, we neglect our beautiful, eternal souls, which will outlast even our temporal UNIVERSE. They beg us for attention... we need our creator, feed us, sustain us, give us the necessary communion with our Father, they cry!

There is nothing we have to give up -- except our very lives here. This will seem stupid to everyone except those who really see reality for what it is. When we see what is real, we can experience joy in our human misery, for we know that unlike the peace that God has given us, human misery will pass and fade away. So in every breathe we take.... remember, the Giver of that breath, and marvel in his majesty. And remember that each breath has been granted as a free gift, without condition, for the just and the unjust, and that we have been given the power of eternal choice, to choose our own destiny, whether our own way that cannot but be filled with sorrow and eternal death (think of the limit concept of Calculus), or with increasing light and joy and culminating in eternal life unimaginable by the natural mind.

It takes only a split second of faith -- and then leap into it with all abandonment of fear. It is a literal suicide of the natural desire, a willing sacrifice of the life lived here, and yet, it is incremental... because God requires only the tiniest amount of faith to fuel ernourmous change, from faith to faith, because he will periodically blow our minds even in this temporal world of shadows by giving us a taste of the world to come and we will rejoice and glorify God and laugh a very deep laugh of true joy, that will come from our inner core, like rivers of living water to feed our thirsty souls, to refresh us in our journey as we continue to kill our natural desires every day, willingly, to honor and exalt GOD and testify of his wisdom that surpasses the worldly wisdom of religious practice, man-made moral codes, and philosophies.

In this walk, we will see things disappearing in signficance... the things we have clung to in the past, as we are freed from the bondage to them. Because all of our human failings of hatred and greed and selfish living are just the products of our fallen nature, the natural desires of human seed infected with sin -- the single flaw that has multiplied and grown exponentially with each generation, because chaos is degenerative and unimpedable without an external force. We are thus simply incapable of really changing ourselves; it is why we must GIVE UP our lives, and willingly DIE NOW rather than DIE LATER, for he who falls on the Rock will be broken, but he upon whom the Rock falls will be crushed into powder. For there is no choice in that we all must die, but if we seek the death of our life now, we will be transformed while we are living, a new creature that slowly TAKES over the old man, growing to the full measure of Christ until we overcome this body of death and are freed from its fetters. See, disciples of Christ don't CHANGE old habits, they are SIMPLY REPLACED by new habits. In our communion with God, we give up our trash and he replaces it with precious stones, eternal treasures that moth and rust cannot corrupt.

Who's real?

There are really only two friends I can talk to -- really talk to now, Jonathan and Travis, and even there, I am limited somewhat. I don't feel comfortable around most other people anymore, because with other people, there are always subjects I just can't broach because there are pieces of my life that I haven't shared with them or that they don't understand. I feel disconnected as a result, from everyone.

I have been angry more lately. I was angry at church this morning. I just left. I did not want to be there. I am tired of putting on a happy face and acting; I am weary of the expectations of others, and sometimes, frankly, I am weary that I can't meet their expectations because of my health and my past. Somtimes, I just want to say, "Hell no, I ain't married, and I'm probably not going to GET married, okay? Unless something miraculous happens and I meet a HIV girl who wants to marry a HIV man with a long gay history, okay? Thanks, any more questions?"

I hate that we are expected as invididuals in society to be dishonest with each other and to hide ourselves from each other. I mean, we don't mean to offend anyone, for Pete's sake! God forbid that we should let real life interfere with our happy little fantasies of each other! Oh yes, I suppose I am just a bit bitter, hrrrm? :)

Oh, and while I'm bitchin', I might as well grumble about those frickin' giant-ass OUTPERSONALS ads that keep coming up on my MySpace home page; I'm guessing they are targeting me since I had "gay" set as my sexual orientation. Well, f*** that, I took that s*** off, so I hopefully I won't get them now. There, now all better. :)

The Eternal Choice

We make the same choices... over and over again. There is really only one choice, repeated. At least, until you change it. Repentance means to "turn around", to face the other direction. There are only two directions. Why do I frequently seem to be facing the wrong way?

I had many thoughts last night that I wanted to share. But they are useless when I am cold, and when I ignore what I know to do. And I always come back to the same place. Maybe I've never fully left.

The most depressing aspect, though, is that there is no one to talk to about it. I am in a corner of the world that is very small.

Intense dream

I am given medication --- small round black pill. They don't know how much to give me. Too little or too much seems to have these similar results: prone to angry outbursts, feeling overcome with fear, aggression. Too much seems to send me into seizure, partial (or total?) loss of vision. I am angry and tell Mom that I need to know "exactly how much to take" each day, whether it's 10 mg or 15 mg or whatever, but I can't be taking variable amounts as it's driving me crazy. She points out that "nobody knows how much to take" and admits that even the nurses don't know how much they give their patients -- seems to be on an as needed basis. I am angry at this; I MUST KNOW AN AMOUNT: I start to freak out and Dad & Mom put me to bed, final progosis being 5 mg if I haven't taken any, and if I still have symptoms, more is too much so they should call Mars Medical Supplies (Support?) for a nurse. That does happen... they put me to bed (old house on Lova, parent's bedroom, and I am alone), and I start to freak out and I call out, "Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!" as I realize I am charged with calling for a nurse. Why can't they just have a nurse here and not leave me alone, I remember thinking desperately. Finally, someone enters the room, but he/she (?) is accompanied by a tiny person (midget?), I think female, with glowing eyes and they seem a sinister pair... I scream, and wake up.

A sequence sometime before this: I am with Dalton and ? (Robert? not sure?) and we are in a restroom at the urinal... he is about to tell me a story that is about his father (Mark), except apparently it contains elements of his complaining about his father or would put his father in a bad light, because he whispers to me, "I don't want to say anything now, because they'll hear it", referring to someone who seems to know his father in the restroom but doesn't know him or his father well.

I have written something in a book that he has read that has struck a chord with him or with others... we either discuss, or I am flipping through the pages of the book.

Isolation Is UnReality

Perception is not reality; it is mere perception, but to the isolated individual, it sure *feels* like reality.... and that's the rub. Truth is unity, and when I eat and drink truth, I am one with God, and I perceive reality. But when I accept untruth, when I embrace a deception for its convenience or comfort, I am fractured and isolated, because I am rejecting what is for what is not, though desire does not reality make. I often convince myself that I am experiencing reality, until something shatters my world and proves me wrong: an inconsistency rears its head and I am shocked back into facing the truth of my mistaken perception. We are all isolated from each other as long as we exist in our own "realities", stuck in our own bubbles of perception: when I don't see you for who you are, but for who I feel I want you to be to fit my fantasies, I will never know the real you but will instead be speaking and interacting with a figment of my imagination, and you know this when I treat you in a manner that hurts you even when you know I didn't mean to hurt you, or when I am merely uncaring and oblivious to your needs.

Had a super weekend in Austin!

My life has consisted lately of a lot of out-of-town trips; most are to Victoria to visit my family and a good friend of mine, Sandy. This last weekend, however, I took a total vacation trip to Austin where I have a really good friend who's a wonderful host. I always enjoy hanging out with me as we are both real dorks when it comes to politics and we are both involved in running web sites.

I did end up having TOO much fun and I did drink more than one should drink (that is, to get drunk) Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday night... but it was a blast and I needed the time away from responsibility. I also this really delightful little movie, "Thank You For Smoking" while I was down there, and I found it throughly enjoyable, and my friend Steve (who runs http://www.woodyallenmovies.com) also had the Woody Allen flick "Another Woman" on his DVR, and after I made some really nasty comments about how terrible it was in the first ten minutes, I actually got into it and enjoyed it.

My first blog!

So, okay, I've heard a lot about this blogging thing, and this is my first blog entry. I swear I hadn't even heard of "blogs" until 2004 when Howard Dean had a very active blog on his campaign web site. I thought it would go away and I wouldn't have to learn more about this.... ah, hopes and dreams.