This weenie got his tongue pierced!!

I mean me, of course. Kind of on a lark. Was told it wouldn't hurt any more than ears. Wrong. It wasn't terrible, by any means; but it did hurt more than getting my ears pierced, which incidentally, I also had re-pierced this weekend. Other than my tongue being all swollen and my throat hurting... I feel just fine and dandy. :p

On an unrelated note... I am officially recommending the movie Click (Adam Sandler), mostly on the basis that it definitely exceeded my expectations (I was only seeing it because my nephews wanted to see it), and the fact that I think it has a powerful message for the receptive listener. It was definitely more than I expected from an Adam Sandler flick; I'm not much for his schtick.

What is "repentance"?

It's not rocket science. Its really simple. Its called not doing whatever it is that you think you so need to do to be happy. Because whatever it is, it is that into which you are placing your faith -- misplacing your faith. Because nothing besides God will deliver you true joy, and bring your true contentment. The problem is, the more stubbornly you hold to your own ways, to your own thinking, the harder your heart becomes and the harder it becomes for you to have the veil of darkness lifted off of you. You must repent. That means, to give up what you believe in, because what you believe in isnt. It simply does not exist. It is a phantom, it is vanity, it is empty. Oh, sure, it may seem very real, indeed. But even if it works for most situations and finally fails terribly... then it wasnt pure truth. It was at best, a facsimile of truth.

See, anything you hold on to -- I must look this way to be happy, I must have this kind of relationship to be fulfilled in life, I must experience this physical sensation to fulfill a craving... it is an idol that you worship. You bow to it, you are a slave to it, and yet you are horribly unfulfilled even when it yields the little pleasure it does. You are simply squeezing a drop of pleasure out of a process that God has created for a specific purpose ... except you are robbing from God by not following his Spirits lead and letting him give it to you when it will bring you the best benefit and will not harm you.

Lets not make this hard. Its not. Not if you really understand who GOD is and that HE LOVES YOU and wants you to experience joy and contentment beyond what you can even imagine in your fallen, natural mind. It would literally BLOW YOUR MIND. You cant handle it because you wouldnt even recognize it in your fallen state. As you repent, and continue to give yourself, a liviing sacrifice, to GOD everyday, he is able to take that room which you have c reated by peelng off another layer of living for self and replace it with something that is soooo much better... because it is a taste of the world to come. He literally gives us beauty for ashes, precious jewels in exchange for our lowly rags that we cling to as our security blankets.

Oh, that we would see! That is why repentance must come before GOD can give us his GIFT. See, we do not work for it. It is a terrible misunderstanding that we have fallen for, that we think that accepting the need for repentance somehow means we have to work for our salvation and it is no longer a gift. Oh, no, no, NO! Have you ever tried to give someone something, completely free of charge, but they couldnt take it from you because their hands were full, their cart was full, and all their storage rooms were full, with so much JUNK that they didnt have ROOM to take it? Its the same with our lives. It is not that GOD is placing some insurmountable condition on us to receive his gift... its just that we simply arent ABLE to receive something when are lives our full with other things we cling to -- and we cling to them foolishly to our own destruction, sadly!

Oh, no... My yoke is easy, and my burden is light!, the Lord beckons to us. Try it! GIVE UP. Quit TRYING. There is NOTHING YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH ON YOUR OWN. Nothing that lasts past death, at least, and what else matters besides that? Everything else is temporary, except our souls. This is what we must keep forever, and yet we spend our lives chasing dollars to deck our temporary houses of flesh that will shrivel and be eaten by bacteria, and to transport them in comfortable cages of steel and plastic to houses that will not last more than a few hundred years at best. All the while, we neglect our beautiful, eternal souls, which will outlast even our temporal UNIVERSE. They beg us for attention... we need our creator, feed us, sustain us, give us the necessary communion with our Father, they cry!

There is nothing we have to give up -- except our very lives here. This will seem stupid to everyone except those who really see reality for what it is. When we see what is real, we can experience joy in our human misery, for we know that unlike the peace that God has given us, human misery will pass and fade away. So in every breathe we take.... remember, the Giver of that breath, and marvel in his majesty. And remember that each breath has been granted as a free gift, without condition, for the just and the unjust, and that we have been given the power of eternal choice, to choose our own destiny, whether our own way that cannot but be filled with sorrow and eternal death (think of the limit concept of Calculus), or with increasing light and joy and culminating in eternal life unimaginable by the natural mind.

It takes only a split second of faith -- and then leap into it with all abandonment of fear. It is a literal suicide of the natural desire, a willing sacrifice of the life lived here, and yet, it is incremental... because God requires only the tiniest amount of faith to fuel ernourmous change, from faith to faith, because he will periodically blow our minds even in this temporal world of shadows by giving us a taste of the world to come and we will rejoice and glorify God and laugh a very deep laugh of true joy, that will come from our inner core, like rivers of living water to feed our thirsty souls, to refresh us in our journey as we continue to kill our natural desires every day, willingly, to honor and exalt GOD and testify of his wisdom that surpasses the worldly wisdom of religious practice, man-made moral codes, and philosophies.

In this walk, we will see things disappearing in signficance... the things we have clung to in the past, as we are freed from the bondage to them. Because all of our human failings of hatred and greed and selfish living are just the products of our fallen nature, the natural desires of human seed infected with sin -- the single flaw that has multiplied and grown exponentially with each generation, because chaos is degenerative and unimpedable without an external force. We are thus simply incapable of really changing ourselves; it is why we must GIVE UP our lives, and willingly DIE NOW rather than DIE LATER, for he who falls on the Rock will be broken, but he upon whom the Rock falls will be crushed into powder. For there is no choice in that we all must die, but if we seek the death of our life now, we will be transformed while we are living, a new creature that slowly TAKES over the old man, growing to the full measure of Christ until we overcome this body of death and are freed from its fetters. See, disciples of Christ don't CHANGE old habits, they are SIMPLY REPLACED by new habits. In our communion with God, we give up our trash and he replaces it with precious stones, eternal treasures that moth and rust cannot corrupt.

Who's real?

There are really only two friends I can talk to -- really talk to now, Jonathan and Travis, and even there, I am limited somewhat. I don't feel comfortable around most other people anymore, because with other people, there are always subjects I just can't broach because there are pieces of my life that I haven't shared with them or that they don't understand. I feel disconnected as a result, from everyone.

I have been angry more lately. I was angry at church this morning. I just left. I did not want to be there. I am tired of putting on a happy face and acting; I am weary of the expectations of others, and sometimes, frankly, I am weary that I can't meet their expectations because of my health and my past. Somtimes, I just want to say, "Hell no, I ain't married, and I'm probably not going to GET married, okay? Unless something miraculous happens and I meet a HIV girl who wants to marry a HIV man with a long gay history, okay? Thanks, any more questions?"

I hate that we are expected as invididuals in society to be dishonest with each other and to hide ourselves from each other. I mean, we don't mean to offend anyone, for Pete's sake! God forbid that we should let real life interfere with our happy little fantasies of each other! Oh yes, I suppose I am just a bit bitter, hrrrm? :)

Oh, and while I'm bitchin', I might as well grumble about those frickin' giant-ass OUTPERSONALS ads that keep coming up on my MySpace home page; I'm guessing they are targeting me since I had "gay" set as my sexual orientation. Well, f*** that, I took that s*** off, so I hopefully I won't get them now. There, now all better. :)

The Eternal Choice

We make the same choices... over and over again. There is really only one choice, repeated. At least, until you change it. Repentance means to "turn around", to face the other direction. There are only two directions. Why do I frequently seem to be facing the wrong way?

I had many thoughts last night that I wanted to share. But they are useless when I am cold, and when I ignore what I know to do. And I always come back to the same place. Maybe I've never fully left.

The most depressing aspect, though, is that there is no one to talk to about it. I am in a corner of the world that is very small.

Intense dream

I am given medication --- small round black pill. They don't know how much to give me. Too little or too much seems to have these similar results: prone to angry outbursts, feeling overcome with fear, aggression. Too much seems to send me into seizure, partial (or total?) loss of vision. I am angry and tell Mom that I need to know "exactly how much to take" each day, whether it's 10 mg or 15 mg or whatever, but I can't be taking variable amounts as it's driving me crazy. She points out that "nobody knows how much to take" and admits that even the nurses don't know how much they give their patients -- seems to be on an as needed basis. I am angry at this; I MUST KNOW AN AMOUNT: I start to freak out and Dad & Mom put me to bed, final progosis being 5 mg if I haven't taken any, and if I still have symptoms, more is too much so they should call Mars Medical Supplies (Support?) for a nurse. That does happen... they put me to bed (old house on Lova, parent's bedroom, and I am alone), and I start to freak out and I call out, "Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!" as I realize I am charged with calling for a nurse. Why can't they just have a nurse here and not leave me alone, I remember thinking desperately. Finally, someone enters the room, but he/she (?) is accompanied by a tiny person (midget?), I think female, with glowing eyes and they seem a sinister pair... I scream, and wake up.

A sequence sometime before this: I am with Dalton and ? (Robert? not sure?) and we are in a restroom at the urinal... he is about to tell me a story that is about his father (Mark), except apparently it contains elements of his complaining about his father or would put his father in a bad light, because he whispers to me, "I don't want to say anything now, because they'll hear it", referring to someone who seems to know his father in the restroom but doesn't know him or his father well.

I have written something in a book that he has read that has struck a chord with him or with others... we either discuss, or I am flipping through the pages of the book.

Isolation Is UnReality

Perception is not reality; it is mere perception, but to the isolated individual, it sure *feels* like reality.... and that's the rub. Truth is unity, and when I eat and drink truth, I am one with God, and I perceive reality. But when I accept untruth, when I embrace a deception for its convenience or comfort, I am fractured and isolated, because I am rejecting what is for what is not, though desire does not reality make. I often convince myself that I am experiencing reality, until something shatters my world and proves me wrong: an inconsistency rears its head and I am shocked back into facing the truth of my mistaken perception. We are all isolated from each other as long as we exist in our own "realities", stuck in our own bubbles of perception: when I don't see you for who you are, but for who I feel I want you to be to fit my fantasies, I will never know the real you but will instead be speaking and interacting with a figment of my imagination, and you know this when I treat you in a manner that hurts you even when you know I didn't mean to hurt you, or when I am merely uncaring and oblivious to your needs.