Watching the crops grow

The things we plant in good ground will come to fruition, whether beautiful or ugly.

I have observed some of fruit of my works, and the signs are not all what I'd like to see. There are weeds in my life, and yet I know it is not my job to pull the weeds, but I have to let things work out because there is so much more out of my control than is in my control.

I am an imperfect being, and I have created some chaos, and it is my responsibility. I know that what I am responsible for will be tied to me until I have completed my time with it.

Watch & Consider

I'm ready to watch and to listen, and to consider and act with purpose. I want to let it come to me, and not force an issue before its time, or judge prematurely.

There is so much challenge in where we are, that it is really not so useful to focus on what comes tomorrow.

What do I really lack? I have all I need and more.

Evening

The shadows grow longer
Small flickers of light remain
For yet a short while?

There is an event horizon
Beyond which nothing escapes

The Lunacy And Horror Are Not Without A Message

They offer to us in pictures and sounds what we have failed to see in ourselves collectively and individually. Instead of condemning the actors, we should see the condemned actions as evidence of our OWN fallen habits staring at us like a mirror. It is not that the actors have no responsibility, but rather that their responsibility is not to any one of us who see through a glass darkly. But what we disdain in others, what singes us and grieves our soul, is a message to us about ourselves, otherwise, we would NOT NOTICE IT AT ALL.

The ridiculousness of faux show palaces and images without intentional direction is a microcosm of our inner attitudes, for what is created externally is first conceived inwardly and fed and watered to fruition. It is the acceptance of the notion that whatever we conceive should be real-ized, rather than the careful sifting of the wheat from the chaff, which is burned.

Excess of song and dance, of food and drinking, and laughter and levity in handling the sacred, as the relationship between a primary and his life mate. No, these acts of excess are not what cause the inward decay, but rather they are merely the external display of decayed thinking in the important matters of love and justice, that every one should eat to live and that without hoarding there is enough for all.

It is not that laughter is evil, but that laughter in the face of injustice in front of our faces is imbalanced and shows our disconnectedness from our neighbor, and does not the knowledge burn in our hearts that we are to laugh when he laughs, but cry when he cries, and eat when he eats, and not eat when he doesn't eat because he has nothing?

Yes, we know this in our hearts, and we don't need a teacher at all to know what is written in our hearts, because no one of us can teach us these things, but they are given to us in moments of stillness. What we conceive in our hearts and care for and tend to in this life, when we die they are committed to the Earth and will blossom into realization in future generations of life, and we either pass on further decay or budding fruit of health and life force.

Let's live with this purpose, knowing that no action is possible without having first conceived the thought of this action, and tending to and caring for it to bring it to realization, and let us reflect on our actions to understand how they were created, and seeds of thought we sowed to bring them to life. What goals do we have? A world at peace? No wars, no starvation when there is plenty? Will we get there? Not in one lifetime. But plant the seed, and when it is buried, others will water and the life forces in creation will create a harvest.

Real Friends

Sometimes, I can be a real asshole. I don't like it. I don't revel in it. It feels awful, quite honestly. But maybe it's like a biitter pill that I have to swallow every once in a while, because it's then that I know who my real friends are. My real friends don't enjoy me when I'm an asshole, but they don't abandon me even in the face of my ugly side rearing up. Thank you for being REAL friends, I will not forget that. You know who you are.

alive level = free will level

nothing is alive
everything is alive
nothing is conscious
everything is conscious

the length and the breadth and the depth of consciousness is all that varies
rocks, planets, people

free will in as many dimensions as you exist*
*conditions and exclusions apply, namely that you exist with other particles of free will whose actions affect your course externally

there's isn't a dichotomy between a purely physical reality and the notion of free will; it's a paradox that both are true, it's just a matter of perspective

Starving the Beast

If I am writing a story, how can I kill a character that is becoming meddlesome?

By starving him, of course.

But denial is not starvation, it is merely under-the-table feeding. To re-press something is to imprint it again.

So how do I starve the beast? Through conscious acknowledgement that it is there, and then by ignoring the impulse to feed it. Successive, successful attempts at this will work.

Of course, there is always conscious re-creation, which can happen in the idle moments of recreation.

Consciousness is the key. Acknowledgment of what IS, acceptance of it, and then conscious action or inaction.

Twists along the way

I observed some things about myself this weekend that do not please me. They were merely wrong choices that did not seem at the time to be terribly critical, but I chose to ignore what I have observed many times before: that which I deem less important ends up having far greater impact than I anticipated.

I'm slipping, tumbling, tripping, fumbling... all because I want what isn't mine. Unfortunate as it feels for me, I am not even the one suffering the most damage, and yet I doubt anyone else sees it that way. A person who compromises for a selfish reason hurts other people in ways they don't even know sometimes.

Transitions

Fall is here. It is noticeably cooler today outside here in Plano.

I feel a similar chill on other fronts. This is a critical time, and I'm dropping the ball on many fronts. I might have missed something.

Currently listening: The Beautiful Letdown By Switchfoot Release date: 22 June, 2004

Time to breathe!

What an eventful year!

There's been a steady reshuffling of scenery, at work and at home.

I'm a lot older this year.

sharp and grating

bad girls season 3
there was soulless wicked cold facial expression and anger and fast movement and fear
it makes me feel cold
there is an event horizon, beyond which there is no return

Never Do What You Know Is Wrong

.....because sometimes how it affects other people can surprise the hell out of you. It caught me off guard. And yet, there is no shirking of the responsibility; it is mine to bear.

Optimal decisions

I can't just give it if it's wanted, if it's wrong to give it.

If I do to placate the heart-felt tears and the real emotional cry for it, I will encourage that mentality and cripple them -- because if I truly know better (and that is an assumption!) then I must teach them that their emotions must always be weighed WITH other evidence when planning an ACTION.

If the emotional need is focused upon, then the brain will devise any NUMBER of ways, MANY (the vast majority) of which will be flawed in some way and will cause damage, and will urge the soul to meet the need NOW as it FEELS right.

And yet, "unless you be like little children...."

But so, "But not yet in understanding be ye like children; be mature in understanding, and childlike in having no rooted malice."

But then the question is.. WHO is right?

The cryer might be right -- or the one hearing might be.

Comfort the cryer when you sense the need is real -- but never assume (in fact assume always EXACTLY the OPPOSITE) that that cryer knows the most optimal way to meet it. The stronger the cry, the more likely it reflects a problem that occludes the cryers' vision.

Like a thief in the night

What did you think it meant?

It means just that, that it's happening without anyone really noticing.

It's not bad, it's worse than you think; there's very little light here, because we are near the abyss.

There is trouble brewing ahead, but we think we are headed for paradise.

Depletion to deletion

Mesh beg
lying outside with a unregenerate heart
i'm thirsty

A Corollary to the Golden Rule

I seek to always do what I am asked to do, by anyone, unless I know better.

:)

Opportunities for healing

Free will makes us ultimately responsible for our own lives, and how they are, and it is the reason we can not blame others for our own sorrows. But it also makes us responsible for the world we live in, because our choices are inputs into the lives of others. When we are care-less, and thought-less, about how our words, our faces and their expressions, affect the people around us, then we are without love, and we decrease the possibility of cultivating the healing power for our neighbors.

Because the truth is -- while our will is definitive, it is not without influence -- and the influence of the love of others we sense in our souls, from the actions and words and energy of others around us, can overwhelm us in a positive way, making it highly probable that we will swing back in an upward direction.

We know it from experience -- how the love of others, or the lack of it -- have influenced it.

Therefore, let us also remember this in the reverse: that we are given every day opportunities for healing others, and they are usually very obvious. God didn't make this difficult, but really easy. Follow your instinct: it is not perfect, but when you have declared from your heart your intention to do good, it gives you an opportunity, from your yet flawed vessel, to be a positive input.

And, what you give to others, you give to yourself!

Distorted Word

I spoke with the downtrodden,
And in my haste to satisfy my appetite,
I fed on his hurt.
Then I heard his cry for help,
and my pace lessened.

I offered a word of hope,
So he said.
Can a tree bear fruit both rotten and sweet?

Listen, hurt soul:
Listen for hope,
But be wary of all.

You are not lost forever,
That is the lie.
Look to what transcends,
Listen to what rings true,
And discard the rest as noise,
The rust of corruption
Which makes purity rare.

The Revelation of Me

The thought occurred to me that the manner in which I treat people, at my worst, is the best indicator of Who I Really Am. I could take comfort in the fact that I treat people, on average, much better than the worst case; however, the worst case is my baseline. Besides, I don't know how much of how I treat people in the average cases is merely showmanship and acting, i.e., learned behavior in which I mimic what I believe is expected.

On the other hand, the raw nature of my personality, in an unguarded moment, is most telling; there are no facades to hide behind, and only what is truly in my inner core speaks; for, "the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart." What's really in me, in my heart, comes out, in those moments. They are moments of true instruction, indeed!

There are no small slips of the tongue. Our true character is revealed in the unguarded moments, in the moments of frustration.

I am ashamed!

But what good is shame? None at all, if there is no seeking for a remedy.

How is that there is evil and unkindness in my heart? It was put there by me.

Mud is mud, and the dirt I've accumulated may not *look* like the dirt I let in... but that's the rub. The small indulgences are never alone; they bring their own parasites, and these multiply rapidly in a suitable environment, and that is darkness.

Ownership of my darkness is merely a first prerequisite toward redemption. It is not enough to know, but to do.

"Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God."

But acting kindly when I am comfortable does not prove anything; it is again quite likely I am just doing what I think I "should" do, and I may even take pleasure in my "goodness."

No, I must examine what is really in my heart that comes out in that moment of frustration. Why would I be unkind to someone? It must be that I truly do not respect life; that I am narcissistic and selfish, and that I am bothered when I must truly consider the feelings or welfare of another human being. Until I "pray" (consider deeply and with all my life force seeking what is true about a matter) about what life means, and who I am in this tapestry of life, and who are the others that are brought into my "world" for a moment, then I am unable to have the right attitude, and thus the proper humility in a moment of frustration.

Mid Night

There are none who know me.
Only glimpses they see.
Nothing about me is complete
The clock ticks
The redeemer more distant
This instance closes.

Currently listening: Boulevard of Broken Dreams By Green Day Release date: 02 December, 2004

Just a little respect

While sitting in my car in the parking lot at Fiesta's waiting for Jimmy (one of my friends and roommates) to come back from a short grocery run, I was musing on how nice it was to just sit there and relax, feel the breeze, and listen to music and sing (badly). It was... refreshing. I people-watched, and let my mind rest a bit.

Then the thought hit me: ugh... if I were a celebrity, I couldn't enjoy this... I'd be mobbed by a bunch of idiots harassing me and asking me for autograph and acting like total nuisances.

Um, yeah, well no chance of that obviously, as I'm a "nobody" and don't have to endure such crap. :) But... that is a good thing. And then the thought formed... why do people act like total jerks and treat celebrities like this? It's like their brains turn off, and they think just because they listen to their music or watch their movies that they know them, and they're thus entitled to just barge in on their personal space anytime they please. Ugh. It's embarrassing, really! Celebrities are people too, and due the same respect (not more, not less) and courtesy we give other human beings. It is one thing to acknowledge that they may be highly gifted singers, actresses, athletes, etc., but these gifts do not mean they have lost their basic humanity. We all like quiet time to ourselves, or even quiet time in public, perhaps being out and enjoying the presence of other people or nice restaurants, etc. -- and we all like being able to do that without being harassed or bothered by rude people.

Disappointment & Numbness

The feeling that I'll never get back there.
The feeling that I shouldn't be looking back at all.
The feeling that my feelings are dull.
The feeling of being only loosely connected to other people.
The feeling that we are lost in a world of make-believe.

Where are you?
You're not in there, and I'm not here anymore.

I'm ashamed of what we do to children;
They are not us, nor do they even belong to us

A Lost Vessel

A young man despaired at his inability to know what to do with his life, and where to go after numerous apparently failed expeditions in his soul journey. He had experienced this several times, but each form was different depending on his current convictions, and on any dogmas he had at least outwardly embraced in the process of seeking for the ultimate truth.

In his soul, he felt the despair of knowing he was on the wrong path, yet again, and he asked his mentor, "I know I have messed up royally, again. What do I do know?"

"Do not act as if you are without knowledge. There is that which you know is the way for you to act, and this you know in your soul, without any reliance on a third party. Do this."

The young man knew he had frequently been "hung up" on side shows, on thinking that his discovery of what was true in some philosophy or recognized "faith", was evidence that all their beliefs and dogmas must also be accepted.

"Accept nothing that you are not convinced of. Anything you do in the spirit of merely following a creed which you do not have conviction is devoid of spiritual value, indeed, is hypocrisy and has negative value to your soul. Besides, you have often swung to the depths getting hung up on these trivialities, then proceeding to throw out your convictions with these useless artifacts, because you hold them as a unit together, as if they cannot be separated. Do not forget that you are to wield the truth as a sword, that it will separate the wheat from the chaff, that which is useful from that which is empty."

But the young man knew he had also ignored his convictions, and that he was fully responsible for the effects of these decisions; he felt the damage done as a result of this, and he remembered with heaviness the stern admonition of his mentor in a dream, that this kind of egregious error was fatal. But even in dying, while one is alive, there is hope; it cannot be otherwise because each breath in life is a gift.

Have I found you?

Oh, how I have forgotten that it was not so in the beginning! This heavy cloak I drag around, that indeed I have even sought to decorate with various trinkets, has been a terrible diversion borne of compromise and impatience and lack of discipline in listening to my soul!

My soul! How it cries for communion, and how it delights in the hope of a kindred other soul. This, in the beginning, has been the real motivation, which drew me to others, but I forgot quickly and got lost in the deceptions, in the false phantoms of myself and others, when we feel the real connections but then get lost in the Forms, as if these Forms were the End! They are not the End, but they are only symbols... symbols and pictures of the pure desires for communion that we forget only at our peril, because in worshiping a Form we worship Something Less Than God and we fail to ascend further UP, because to bow DOWN to a Form is to acknowledge it falsely as being the HIGHEST ideal. It is not, and I understand my sadness, even the sadness which I forgot I have because I have numbness, and have become hard of hearing through my choices to worship the Forms.

I remember again:

"Why don't you sleep up here with me?"

Yes! Is it me you want? I see much in you, let us share!

Then comes a vulture, a bird of prey, that has fed on the souls of many, to corrupt this innocence, and to offer the temptation of an immediate substitute. But we are not the victims, but willing participants in this compromise, because we lack faith in the Perfect Laws in Creation, and one small bite at a time, we gave away our purity..... and the next time we used this sacred call for another, we used it in deception, not seeking true communion, but blinded by our baser lusts, we spoke lies....

....but redemption is here, and with real volition from our inner man, from the core of our spirit, we can seek to untangle ourselves from the strangling works of our own hands, through the uplifting power of LOVE, which God in his grace continues to grant us in opportunities in every moment when we seek for what is higher even with the faith as small as the grain of a mustard seed. The opportunities are there, and when we listen and act in a pure way to LOVE someone else, we make one small motion to disentangle ourselves from the cords that drag us down and we open up a channel to hear again that voice we heard before, from our soul, that yearning that we heard in the beginning.

This is the world

Songs from this generation:

"We're gonna play the game the playstation all day,
With metal gear solid to tekken 3.
And from omega boost to resident evil
Just play for the fun
Cos we got it going on.

Tekken 3, metal gear solid
resident evil, gran turismo, omega boost,
bloody rhoar, x-files, another world
come on
ridge racer
odd world
we get a living
that came in our posession "

I don't know what the real lyrics are to this song, particularly on the last phrase, as they differ from site to site (google the lyrics to see for yourself), but the fact that someone thinks they say this tells me the message that many people get.

We don't imbibe words without effect. They are food, and they are seeds, and they grow into fruit, whether rotten or good.

Why is it a game to kill people in a brutal manner a la Resident Evil? Why do we think it's, in fact, fun? Because we are a brutal people, in reality. True, most of us don't act out in the same precise fashion the things we play and watch in our entertainment, but they are metaphors for what we do to each other spiritually and emotionally: we are brutal killers.

There can be no other explanation to our draw to such violent imagery, to why we can enjoy it, and why it rather does not, as one might hope, frighten us and make us feel horror.

We think it's a game, we think it's all make believe, and it makes us feel better, and that's why we tell ourselves that. But if we put ourselves in the position of an outside observer, we see a world of people who can entertain themselves with violence because they are a violent people, in one manner or another. We are also a dishonest people, seeking not truth, but seeking pleasure. We cannot face the horrible faces we have in the mirror, so we buy creams to make our physical likeness more youthful, to lie about our ages and what we are doing to our bodies, and to our minds, and to our souls.

Here's another picture of what we are, narcistic and vain:

"Here and there, everywhere
The places that I go
People stop and they stare
I'm beautiful that I know
I am quite a sight to behold

(Bridge)
Hey now, hey now now
I want you to remember me
Being who I want to be
Hey now, hey now now
Turn it up, then you'll see
Everybody look at me"

Thus far, it is all about pride in self, particularly pride in one's sheer phsyical appearance.


"(Chorus)
Snapshot
Take my picture Snapshot (Take my picture)"

Further, we want to preserve more permanently, our likeness which we so worship, for others to see and worship. What of, "You shall have no other gods before me", and, "You shall not make for yourselves any graven images, you shall not worship these".

"Let me show what I got
Red hot
Take my picture Red hot (Red hot)
Take it over the top"

"Red hot" is an interesting choice of words. I will say nothing more.
Why do we have the expression, "over the top" in our language? The words we use betray our intentions: we want to be above God, we want to be higher than the Almighty.

"Photograph, video
Catch me while I can
Cuz I got to go (got to go)"

Isa 59:7: "Their feet run to evil."

"Hollywood, Sunset Strip
Living in the spotlight can be such a trip"

Can you say, stumbling block? A "trip", indeed.


"(Bridge)
Hey now, hey now now
Take it on my good side
Don't want me on my bad side
Hey now, hey now now
I ain't never been shy
Ain't got nothing to hide"


We only want to show our "good face", and not what exposes us for all the ugliness underneath.


Then, I heard this song on my iPod, from a Christian artist:

"I can't stop loving you, oh Lord, I can't stop loving you, no matter what they say!"

Again, our words betray us. The Almighty does not coerce us to love him. If we really felt we couldn't stop loving God, then we are admitting a God who has not given us free will, but a God who has, at some point in our lives, seen that we are his followers and has now possessed our will and we are now enslaved to him, no longer able to decide whether to love God or not.

We should not try to excuse our ill use of language, our sloppy diction, because our words betray what we really believe.

Upward Facing

There is no difference, because nothing can stand against truth. Even in the evil we see, there is a ray of light, or we could not see the evil. So in each situation I find myself, I am constantly faced with the decision, downward or upward facing? I wonder if the choice of perspective is what seeds my actions. I feel drained when I live in the earthly, sensual world. I know that sensual pleasure is a gift, so there is no guilt in feeling sensual pleasure, only in seeking it first above upright, transcendent living.

diminished capacity

always scratching my itch, and looking for things in the wrong places out of habit, furrowing my brow at a frightening visage on television. apathy sets in and i get lazy. so many opportunities around me, but i live in a bubble. why are their eyes so piercing? unnatural!

i am full yet unsatisified.

group hug

let's not hope for the worst. are we being downers, or just doubters? is there a difference? a voice of discouragement can make positive things happen, ironically. i am happy with reconciliation, if they are. it feels right to come together, like an "ahhhhhhhhh!" exhalation.

flippin

structured thought is overrated

potpourri

head is spongy, pink ineffective, i itch. move away from the center and travel through time. the outlines will be clear afterward, colorful, segmented, lighted rings, connected, sharing borders. why are we fighting? destruction begets destruction, only the source will change and a new world arises. it is futile until then except for the hidden time travelers, who prepare the way. there is accidental violence, and then there is willful, but these two are the same in the game, only the viewer makes the difference. label one evil or the other ignorance; you decide, and so does everyone else. the madness is, when you know you're right. the uncertainty principle reigns. bring forth fruits meet for repentance, and feel the stillness, still the madness. they are all always there, but what do you want?

T:260

It's easy to forget what life is really all about. And to start living like it's about getting an Nintendo Wii, or making more money, or paying bills, or waiting until next summer when I'm going to look great after I've lost weight.

Some say, "live like there's no tomorrow." Others, "plan today for tomorrow."

I'm really doing neither.

I know in my head to not be bound by my past, nor to wait for the future for my salvation. But this is the normal way of life in this world, and so I live unconsciously with exactly those mindsets more often than not.

But I've have some sobering reminders lately about the undeniable fact that my outer body is dying, just like everyone else. I am no different.

My assumption, for whatever reason, has been that I will continue in this existence for quite some time. But it is an open question. In truth, it is always an open question for everyone, but we live in group thought, and we pay little attention to what our own bodies tell us about our selves specifically, instead comforting ourselves with statistics which tell us of our relatively long life spans

Goodbye, Grandpa

I'm feeling a profound sadness right now, and I'm not sure where it's coming from, but it might be from my father, who lost his father yesterday.

I didn't know my grandfather very well, but I am close to my father, and I am going to go spend some time with him this weekend.

Who, I am

I was deflated and confused again after reading an article about the sacred names of God, in which the author is addressing the relatively modern conception that the transliterated name "Jesus" is a fraud and that we should call the son of God, "Yahshua" or some such because, further, the name Jehovah is incorrect and should instead be "Yahweh", and thus YAHshua is the appropriate name since the Son of God should have YAHweh in his name to be identified with the Father. Even worse, some folks say, to call him "Lord God" could be actually calling on a false god, perhaps even Satan. Got it? Whew!

I was deflated and confused because I had sort of acclimated myself to the "Yahweh" name myself, thinking the modern scholastics seemed to be behind it, and besides, it sounds soft and lovely.

However, the author I was reading who punched holes in the Yahweh / Yahshua crowd seemed to have pretty good standing with his logic and references... which just utterly confounded me because I thought, "gosh, so here I go again.. maybe I've been wrong again about some critical matter... just when I had escaped the terrible consequences that the Yahweh / Yahshua people warned about.

And then it struck me.

Red herring. I am getting worked up over some little detail that has nothing to do with my life and what and who I am. "Ah, but the stinkin' DEVIL is in the details", I heard. To which I say, "yes, indeed."

I have no doubt that there is a correct view here. One of these camps is wrong, and one is right. Or perhaps a better way to say it, one of these camps is closer to the truth than the other. That might be a better way to put it.

But the FRUIT that I saw coming from the discussion between the camps seems to be largely, what, let's see: further division and dissension, strife, judgement and... well, FEAR. FEAR that "if you get this wrong, boy, you might have hell to pay. Fear.

So, I took a deep breath -- well, actually, I took a nice long bath -- and I closed a book I was reading on the Kabbalah which was just not holding my attention ("what I have to say to you is much more important than what you're reading") and I mused, and I tried to listen to the voice of truth.

I say tried, because probably the biggest thing I heard was this: what is this all accomplishing? Is this something I can figure out, and then I proclaim that I have fixed it, and the world will agree with me? Ha! Yeah, exactly. And then I heard this: one of my recurring obstacles, my sins, is focusing on all the wrong things. It is the way of the world to squabble over religion, and to declare doctrines, and to find and fix all the flaws in everyone else's doctrines -- in everyone else'sopinions about everything, in fact.

Who am I? I am not the Corrector of the World's Religions. So why do I waste my time reading these things and worrying about them? This would be a useful exercise if it is my job, and my mission, and my destiny to do this -- well, actually, come to think of it -- it would be the least useful exercise even if I were that. But I am not that. I am a little man, of little stature, who struggles with everyday choices, and fails often.

I cannot judge these matters. I am not equipped. I am to be silent on them presently. My focus is on the realm that I am in, and to do what I know to do, and that is it. I know I am desire to love, and to accept the love of others, and I believe this is what God wants me to be. For it is the little foxes that spoil the vine -- but it is the foxes that are in my yard, that I am feeding, not the creeds that I declare or withstand. It is in my being, and in the creation of my being that is my doing.

I believe in a God who is loving, because that is what I have experienced from God. I don't know about a jealous God or a wrathful, because I have not experienced his jealousy or wrath. I cannot comment on the experiences of others for which I know nothing about.

I believe in a patient God, because God knows he has been patient with me.

The other thing I heard was "be yourself." That sounds trite, I know, and I've heard it a bajilion times. As if I could be someone other than myself. Well, obviously, I can't, but when I'm not honest about who I am to myself and to others, I am not living in the truth of Who I Am, and that creates disturbances and distortions in my life that manifest as problems that hurt me and those around me. Because it is impossible to be someone I am not, when I try to pretend, I necessarily bring about -- I create -- a distortion that will manifest to myself and to everyone else what I really am. The sad thing is, when it manifests in this manner, it cannot help but drag me down, because there is nothing I can do against truth, and I hurt no one ultimately except myself in the long run.

That it is not to say that "being myself", flaws and all, is to glorify all my faults because "they are me". Because I still believe there are things that lift up, and things that drag down, but of course, I don't like the things I see that drag me down, so I wish to conceal them, out of shame. But if I trust in the goodness of God, if I have faith in his mercy, I confess my sins. Here I am, and I am not the perfection I strive for.

But God seeks not perfection in me so much as honesty. Perfection is a goal that can only be sought with a pure heart, and what is a pure heart? Is it one attached to a being with no shortcomings? No, but it is one that accepts what IS, because truth is what IS.

And I can laugh deeply from true joy when I am open and honest, because it is not my doing that will perfect me, but I am to just be who I am and walk honestly and with love and let the Infinite direct my steps.

The Importance of Trivial Pursuits

God, I hope I don't have to be serious about this.

Is laughter an indulgence?

Want Away! Need Not.

Admit it, you want it. Don't try to cover it up like you don't; you only deceive yourself, and that's like those pathetic sewn leaves / bad cover-up job. What, are you ashamed? Go on ahead, and feel ashamed, then; maybe it is shame-worthy. Wear it, but don't invite it to stay; it will fade to nothingness when you are honest about it.

Openness breaks the downward pulling power of secrets. So if it is wrong, but you want it, do not lie to everyone about what you want. Speak freely, act accordingly, and be who you are. There will be an opportunity to give it up, if you feel ashamed about it: the way to do this is to not need it; do not require what you want.

In fact, even if it shames you not, and you feel it is right, want it openly, but don't require it: if you require it, you are a force of compulsion, and that makes it ugly; beauty grows on love, not strong force. We ourselves were not created out of need, but out of desire lacking need.

Need nothing; trust in the ultimate reality that you are provided everything you need; indeed, when you don't require it, all your *desires* are honored, either by fulfillment in physical reality, or by their banishment from your own soul because you experienced it in your mind and found it not worthy of creation.

Just don't quash that thought, don't extinguish it with force, but admit that it seeks a "trial run".

If you are always honest, and you are always willing to live without it in physical reality, you honor life.

Greed and lust are not mere wanting, but Obsessive Wanting Turned-To Needing. These will eat you and consume the world.

Wanting is a declaration of What Is True In Your World, and it is never wrong -- it is what makes you alive!

Needing anything other than what you have already been given is unbelief in the goodness of God to give you life and beauty as God does the lilies in the field, and it is idolatry because you seek not first the kingdom, but you seek your own desire and will, and so it is iniquity, too.

And the irony is that needing is totally unnecessary (!) because you are given more than you want when you are willing to give up on getting what you want, when you seek harmony and not your desires. God loves to please us, and shower us with blessings, and does even when we don't deserve it (especially when we don't!) except we can't see it or experience it when we are blinded but desire, when we have worshiped our wants. It is not punishment that we are choked off from experiencing our blessing; it is simply consequence, and when there is life, there is always a way up out of it, anyway.

So want away! Do not lie to yourself about what you want. If you feel guilty about what you want, then feel guilty, but there is nothing to do about it but admit both, and then accept what is true in your heart. If it something you want to be cleansed, how do you know the cleansing will not come from experiencing it in your head, and seeing its folly? God does not condemn the honest ("have mercy on me a sinner!"), but the self-deceiving condemn themselves.

I Want A New ____

Covetousness is often the door we open, that leads to suffering, especially the suffering of others. God gives abundantly, but true abundance is swallowed by the presence of covetousness; the more we desire intently anything other than the all for all, the more scarcity we create.

Abundance is to be accepted, not taken by force. And no one takes by force if he trusts that his needs and his desires will be met; that is faith. There's a time for abundance, and there's a time for scarcity, and as the faithful seeks the well being of all, he rejoices in the scarcity willingly as he knows it is necessary as long as there is ill-conceived gain. It is not that there is not enough for abundance, it is that we create a distortion in the physical realm when in our spirit we worship anything other than God. To experience consuming desire, I must first believe that I do not have *enough* of the object of my desire; I must thus believe that God is cheating me out of some thing that is rightfully mine; I must also believe that God's allocation in the present is misguided and incorrect, and that this is a situation I can correct in my own power. It is iniquity because I set myself up as God, a lord over my world that is disconnected from others; it is idolatry because I do so because I have accepted a lie that gain I seek is to be treasured more than the perfection that already is.

There is nothing wrong with this moment. Why does it need a reallocation? Why do I think I need more? Why do I desire more? Do I ever have enough?

No, no, lust is never satisified; it is never enough. Thus it is degenerative, because it consumes. It is to desire to heap to one's self more and more of some thing, but it does not realize that it is destructive to self to take more than what is given; it destroys the perfect balance that already is in each moment. It starves one soul and fattens another until it is a horribly distorted shape of greedy excess.

I am scared and frightened when I see violence in the world, when I see starvation of children, rape of the weak ones, and exploitation of peoples. But what do I do? I laugh at my big box of funny people dancing and singing, and I revel in my excesses! They're fun, they're entertaining; my soul is filled with laughter! I cannot help that the children are dying! Am I my brother's keeper?

So there is imbalance. What do I do? If I have two coats, give one to someone who needs a coat; why do I need two coats? Seek God, and be willing to give away anything at any moment. Anything. Everything is conquered by love, and love is the total giving of yourself for all. "Take up your cross and follow me," for loving is to take the burden of another and to bear it up as one's own. To love in this day is to necessarily suffer, not because love is inherently sorrowful, indeed quite the opposite, but because there *already exists* suffering of others in this world, to love is to share in that suffering, to take some of it away from another so that it is not disproportionately borne. It is a corrective reallocation that is necessary because of a prior lust that resulted in the current misallocation.

So there is someone who wantonly takes what he desires from another; now, there is suffering. Then, along comes a lover, who shares the burden of suffering, who brings healing.

Watch for it! In the present moment, there is an opportunity to love; for though we live in a disconnected, broken world, there are infinite opportunities to re-connect it and heal it, in the eternal present. We can smile at someone, compliment someone, listen to someone, care in the little ways. A minor incovenience to our comfort is a small price to pay to love. Is there someone else uncomfortable? Then, we should be still and listen, and know that a God who loves ALL is whispering to anyone who loves all, a way to bring comfort and healing, in that moment.