The Crossing

I don't know if I can ever have another boyfriend post-Jonathan. I came to the realization, that in a way, I have never broken up with him fully. I still hold him in the same place I had before, though not externally, internally, at least in my mind and perhaps heart. I subconsciously (and even consciously sometimes) judge others by him, and I have by most measures that others come up short, to my mind.

Perhaps there is something to the idea that there is something inherently in the human soul that, once bound to another human soul, is not loosed from that communion until the death of the other. I do not know.

On the other hand, I have felt oneness with Josh before in a quite powerful way, indeed -- but it is episodic, not continual. Indeed, I feel disconnected from him more often than not. It is as if there is a respect and an esteem I hold for Jonathan that I do not hold for Josh, or for anyone else, for that matter.

I do not say that I am right in this, only that it appears to be the reality of where I am.