untitled

the stars whistle past us sparkling sounds of light a chorus of freedom and yearning frosting the air with glitter a substance of harmony

Taking more than what is given to me

Most people that are close to me know that I was in love with a certain young man, because I gushed on and on about him, and I told everyone in my world that cared, about him. However, I took too much from him, and I was not careful with my procession, and I wanted too much. That is a recipe for disappointment, my friends. You cannot love purely in such a way. Pure love only gives and expects nothing in return. Anything other than this is distressful want, and it will fail ultimately. I am disappointed most in my self, that I could not rein in my desires more, and I let them overcome me and overwhelm me, and I shattered a fragile relationship.

The Blood and The Spirit and Belief

Just as then in my darkness in childhood, I thought my desires and fears were more important than acting on my gut feeling of what is right (tell the truth and face shame or fear of punishment for having a desire that was married to wrong-doing), so now I think my desires (to be hurt myself, and to help and love others more than my self) and fears (of not being loved or loveable, or being punished for my wrong-married desires) I have treated more importantly than doing what I know is right in my gut - in my heart.

Thus my behaviors are all explainable by appealing to the factors of: desire (or rather lust, having what is not given to me in pureness), fear (that I will not have my sensual and emotional needs met, and fear of being honest given my depravity, and fear of not being loved when I displease people by doing the right thing), and righteousness (worshiping Reality/Truth & always doing the right thing that I know to do from my heart.)

I have in essence, "put these first." Thus, I have worshipped them, because to worship means to submit, and so I hace placed these ideals, these idols, as highest, rather than righteousness, that is Godliness, that is God. I worship lust and fear instead of right and love and justice.

And yet because the spirit of God still strives with men (though He will not alway), and I am a man, even in my depraved thoughts and behaviors I see the Truth, because until I am utterly destroyed or transformed into pure Light in His likeness, I always maintain "a" image, though less or more resolute and faithful, of God. It is merely a question of direction: am I becoming fainter and fainter a shadow until I pass the Event Horizon and where even the little Light I have left cannot survive, but is utterly destroyed? Or am I becoming a stronger and stronger Light Force, a stronger and more resolute and faithful image of God, until I am his perfect image, as in Jesus?

Christans say we must worship God. What does that mean, for a Christian. I submit, from the Holy Writ:

1. Jesus was the Word of God: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God....and the Word became flesh and dwelt among men."
2. Jesus is the true image of God for man: Jesus said, "Why do say, show us the Father [i.e., God], and that is sufficient for us, and yet have I been with you so long you do not me? I tell you, when you have seen me, you have seen the Father".
3. Jesus is the Light, "but men who love and live in darkness hate the Light."
4. Jesus is the Truth: "I am the way, the truth, and the life."
5. Jesus is the Bread of Life: "I am the bread of life."
5. Loving Jesus means eating his body and blood: "Take, eat of this bread, for it is my body. Drink, it is the blood of my new covenant."

Let’s add these together:

How do we eat Jesus, e.g., Truth? We speak truth, we live truth, we never lie, even when it is inconvenient and may bring shame upon us in the short term, for it cannot help but be short-lived, even if the shortness is as long as the life of this physical body upon the Earth, because you are what you eat, and if you eat Truth, if you eat of the body of Christ, if you eat of the Bread of Life, you will become Truth, you will become One just as Jesus and the Father are One. So the irony is that fear of honest and open living -- for that is what is meant by walking in The Light -- is precisely what bars our entry into becoming Lighter and purer and more like what we eat - pure Truth and Light and Righteousness.

And what of drinking his blood? We must understand blood, what is in blood according to the scriptures, and what it’s shedding means.

We know that the physical models the spiritual, or from a materialistic vantage point, our religious writers have written about this mystical "spiritual" stuff using models of the physical.

So, the moderately educated person knows that blood contains oxygen, and it is in fact the vector for delivering oxygen to body parts. It also contains water, although the water also contains oxygen, and our bodies use water in other ways besides the benefit of oxygen alone, and the main distribution of "water" is through the GI system, not the circulatory system containing the blood -- more on water later.

So it contains water and oxygen, amongts other things. Oxygen is the main component of what we "breathe", that without constant supply of it, we die rather quickly, even more quickly than if we lack water or food. Ask anyone about drowning or suffocation.

God, in Genesis is said to have "breathed" Life into man when he created man, so in the Christian story, breath should be linked to the Spirit of God. Thus, in this story, we can think of ourselves as having the Breath of God, or a "spirit" created as the outbreath of the Spirit of God in a sense. We know in this story also that the first shedding of human blood was Cain’s murder of Abel, and that God is pictured as having "heard the blood of Abel cry out to him." This is to be read spiritually without any regard for being sure of what it means physically - we do know many things it *doesn’t* mean literally merely from observation in Reality (e.g., respecting science and empiricism). Spiritually, if the breath of Abel’s "spirit" was in his blood, it would make sense that the Life that is in the blood (this notion is stated in Deuteronomy explictly and felt intuitively and observed logically), is what "cried out."

So we know that the Life (part of what Jesus said he is, "I am the Life") is "in the blood", so to drink his blood is to drink his very Life, his very Spirit, and to drink his Spirit is to become "filled with his Spirit" and thus to become more and more in his likeness. And how does one drink his Spirit, his blood? Jesus said, "The words I speak to you, these are Spirit and these are Life." So, we drink his blood by breathing his words. When Jesus saw the disciples after his resurrection (in the story), John records that "he breathed on them, and he said, ’Receive ye the Holy Spirit.’" So how do we breathe his words? It is clearly not merely speaking his words, for what we speak only reveals what is in our hearts ("out of the abundance of what’s in the heart, the mouth speaks"), or put an other, it only reveals what kind of Spirit we are breathing already. Thus, it is interesting to note the correspondence between breathing spirits (words) and them forming what is in
our heart - which is the central distribution for our blood, and what keeps us alive.

Physically, what we breathe in our air -- we clearly have to have a bare minimum of oxygen component to survive physically -- affects our moment by moment quality of life. If we breathe in too little oxygen but still enough to stay alive, then we experience a degree of loss of some physical senses and cognitive (i.e., mental) capacity, proportional to the degree we are lacking in oxygen sufficient for "normal" perception and cognitive function. Clearly, if we breathe less than the critical amount needed to stay alive physically (and this amount can be calculated in general for a human with pretty decent percision with relatively little spread), then we experience what we call physical death, which we mean to be the process at which that which we call physical "life" begins to decay and "end" - it ends in the sense that the physical body begins to decompose, no longer sustaining the unique physical structure in unity, but returning to its constituient parts.

Similarly, it is what is in our spirital inhalations -- what are we breathing in, of what spirit’s emanations we inhale -- determines the quality of our "spiritual" life. What does it mean to "inhale" words? It is the inverse of speaking, or an exhale. We can only exhale some expression of what we inhale; our bodies can transform it but only out of the constituient parts of what it was originally, according the well ordered laws of phsyics. Well, Jesus said that his words were Spirit and Life, so we can think: what it does mean to breathe his words?

I submit it means simply to accept them into your blood -- to accept them into your heart -- to believe in their truth so faithfully that you hang your very spiritual existence (whatever that is), your very spiritual life, on them. This would be why Jesus said, "Believe IN me." The IN is important, because believing is accomplishing by the INhalation of the direct object in that sentence, Jesus. To "believe IN Jesus" is to inhale his Spirit, that is, and his words are his Spirit, so it means to believe in his words.

This is the "Gospel": "For God so loved the world, that he sent his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth IN him should not perish." I used the old English word "believeth" here only to emphasize the continual nature of this "believing": like breathing IN air continuosly is vital to optimal function, and breathing in air "nearly continuously" (as measured by the amount of time one can go without breathing relative to his expected lifetime) is vital to not beginning the decaying process of physical death, so this "believing" IN "the Son", the image of "the Father", of God, is something that must be done *continuously* for optimal spiritual function, and "nearly continuosly" for mere spirtual existence. We can muse here on spiritual longevity: is it Eternal since it springs from the Eternal Spirit, or do we think of it is having beginning and end, as the physical being we observe? Is it possible that the Oneness spoken as the endgame for a follower of Christ is in at l
east some sense indicative that attachment to individuation in some sense "ends"? Perhaps, perhaps not. I lack the understanding to have a sure word.

In any case, viewing belief in Jesus in this light, we can see easily the fallacy of mere one-time "mental consent" of the authority and truth of his words as a baseline for "belief in Jesus." To believe thus becomes more of a continuous inhalation of his words, a continuous *acceptance* of their truth, in our *hearts*, by which we mean the seat of our will and that actor which we attribute an ability to "believe" or "not believe."

Thus, "Love your neighbor as your self" is an easy enough notion to accept mentally as being conducive to Life and its processes working in "our" favor. However, to truly believe it, we must continuously inhale it, that is, continuously affirm by its acceptance into our spiritual life (whatever that is!). This is easy enough to determine in our own hearts certainly after the fact: we can muse an action, and consider: "Did my actions show equal love for myself and the other(s), in this deed?" If it is not exactly equal, then we have "missed the mark", i.e., we have transgressed, i.e., we have disbelieved some aspect of the Word in our hearts, and it was manifest in our deeds. This what is called a "sin".
Until we are totally acting in the image of God spiritually, we have sin. John said, "If we say we have no sin, we lie, and we have not the Truth in us."

That is interesting! This plainly tellus us we can have Truth IN us without being yet perfected in Love and manifesting exactly the sinless perfection *on our own*.

This why John also said, "If we confess our sins [i.e., TELL TRUTH ABOUT US AND OR MISSTEPS], Jesus is faithful and righteous to forgive us of our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness."

Then John tells us, "If we way we have not sinned, we are liars and His Word is not in us."

See, the key here is to CONFESS our wrongs, because the telling of truth is the exhalation of our spiritual carbon dioxide (that which is hazardous to our existence and must be expelled) so that we can EXCHANGE our "bad air" - our "bad spirits" - for "the breath of Life." We cannot breathe in HIS WORDS if we do not BREATHE out OUR WORDS, that which comes from within our spirit at its current state.

That is why John says immediately in the next verse: "If we LIE [that is to not tell tell Truth of our current state] and say we have no sin, we make Him (out to be) a liar, and His Word is not in us." It cannot be in us, because it is not possible spiritually, any more then it is possible to live physically and breathe in life-sustaining oxygen without exhaling poisonous (to us, interesting to note it sustains other life) carbon dioxide.

So, to drink his blood is to exchange His Spirit for our Spirit, whatever state it is in! We exchange this by "walking in the Light", as John speaks of preceding this verse:

"If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin."

What? Yes, we walk IN the Light, that is to say we live OPENLY and keep NOTHING HIDDEN of our transgressions. If we do, then we are "turning off the light", we are workers of darkness, and we will not have fellowship with our fellow human souls because darkness begets more and more destruction, and further, we will still "die in our sins", e.g., we will face the logical conclusion of not exhaling our sins out and inhaling His life sustaining words.

But here is the "blood" yet again, for "the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us of all unrighteousness". Recall that John said God is not only faithful, but RIGHTEOUS to forgive us of our terrible depravities! We can understand how it might be merciful, but how can this be righteous to "overlook" our sins and merely exchange His Holy Spirit for our unholy spiritual exhalations? Because this exchange is not that, exactly -- it is in the effect of our lives, indeed -- but this apparent exchange is possible in spiritual physics, if u will allow the terrible oxymornic use of the word itself, but I mean its spiritual parallel, only because it is in Truth an exchange effected by the shedding of the innocent blood of his Son, and this was only possible by his consent: his life was not taken, it was GIVEN. Thus, he "purchased" the spiritual power, if you will, to forgive sins, in this offering of his shed blood.

Thus our sins against nature, anything we have consumed in our hearts that kills and destroys us ultimately, are actually in our "blood", and we will either shed our own blood in eventual death by "dying in our sins", or we will drink his pure blood (drink his Spirit, inhale his words through belief in our hearts manifest by our outward deeds) and the exchange is "fair" because the blood of an innocent ascended to Heaven (Jesus) is available to clease us in the form of his Holy Spirit being inhaled into our hearts.

It is why Jesus said, "drink my blood, it is the blood of the new covenant": he was telling how the prohecy of Jeremiah was being fulfilled:

"Behold, days are coming, " declares the LORD, "when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah, not like the covenant which I made with their fathers in the day I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, My covenant which they broke, although I was a husband to them,"

And what is this new covenant? Read on! :

"But this is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel after those days, " declares the LORD, "I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.

"They will not teach again, each man his neighbor and each man his brother, saying, ..Know the LORD, ’ for they will all know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them," declares the LORD, "for I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more."

It will be written in our hearts!! We are to follow our hearts, because if we have "asked Jesus into our hearts", if we have asked for his Spirit, then *the law we are to follow is in our hearts, written by God*. He said, we won’t have need for anyone to teach us because we will know the Lord through though what he is written on our hearts, and we will be cleansed and forgiven of our sin!

This is a radical idea! How do we know he is written anything yet in our hearts? He says:

"I will pour out My Spirit on all mankind; And your sons and daughters will prophesy, Your old men will dream dreams, Your young men will see visions."

And,

"Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?"

Simple: if we have asked for his Spirit, and we have confessed our sins, then we have exhaled our broken spirit and inhaled his Holy Spirit. The laws are then written on our hearts! FROM there, this process continues! We continue to breathe in his Spirit, and his law becomes clearer to us, and when we follow this law he has impressed on our hearts, we are continuously transformed!

peace, love, & a martini

every day, i check my e-mail
i feast on crumbs in IMs
forgotten promises
meetings that never happen
i sit alone
hurt, i enter my lair
and feast on bones
and decaying meat


"I have kept you in a crate."

[.]

In my darkest hour, you were mute.
I could not hear your voice.