Who's real?

There are really only two friends I can talk to -- really talk to now, Jonathan and Travis, and even there, I am limited somewhat. I don't feel comfortable around most other people anymore, because with other people, there are always subjects I just can't broach because there are pieces of my life that I haven't shared with them or that they don't understand. I feel disconnected as a result, from everyone.

I have been angry more lately. I was angry at church this morning. I just left. I did not want to be there. I am tired of putting on a happy face and acting; I am weary of the expectations of others, and sometimes, frankly, I am weary that I can't meet their expectations because of my health and my past. Somtimes, I just want to say, "Hell no, I ain't married, and I'm probably not going to GET married, okay? Unless something miraculous happens and I meet a HIV girl who wants to marry a HIV man with a long gay history, okay? Thanks, any more questions?"

I hate that we are expected as invididuals in society to be dishonest with each other and to hide ourselves from each other. I mean, we don't mean to offend anyone, for Pete's sake! God forbid that we should let real life interfere with our happy little fantasies of each other! Oh yes, I suppose I am just a bit bitter, hrrrm? :)

Oh, and while I'm bitchin', I might as well grumble about those frickin' giant-ass OUTPERSONALS ads that keep coming up on my MySpace home page; I'm guessing they are targeting me since I had "gay" set as my sexual orientation. Well, f*** that, I took that s*** off, so I hopefully I won't get them now. There, now all better. :)