Closing up

I am noticing that I have become increasingly inhibited again, keeping my thoughts and feelings private. I felt a tinge of jealousy at people having fun last night at the club, while I felt helpless to do so without the aid of alcohol or weed. I felt anti-social at times, retreating to my car to be alone and not feel the pressure of being social, as well as to escape the smoke burning my eyes.

Speaking of which, I have very itchy eyes now, and what seems to be a sinus headache.

I was thinking on the way back home from the club last night that I am retreating to the private world I was in before I did drugs or, to a lesser extent, drink. I have rarely ever danced in public without the aid of an external chemical agent, usually alcohol. However, I have decided that alcohol has had such a negative impact on my life (unprotected sex, DWI arrest and trial, two public intoxications and two wrecked cars, among other things!) that I must not drink it again, even socially, simply because it complicates my life to be on the watch for "safe" drinking vs "unsafe" drinking.

My relationship with JG has also taken a step backwards in some respects as I have all but closed myself off to him sexually, retreating back into the "comfortable" world of my sexual fantasies, where I don't have to deal with the real world where I can feel uncomfortable or where I can hurt someone else, or be hurt myself. The truth is, while I recognize my responsibility for my emotions now -- something I failed to do in the past, blaming others for them -- I choose not to engage in things which will make me too uncomfortable and bring those hurt feelings. But I know, too, that is not without consequence. If I continue on this path without dealing with them, I will stunt our relationship, or at the least, change its nature. I cannot expect him to be satisfied with our lack of sex life.

I see so many parallels in my relationship with JG and my relationship with God. I keep things to myself, afraid to share. What is interesting is that our relationship started off very open, with us both sharing. But now I am closing off, reluctant to stir the waters further, and hoping to enjoy what I have without needing to further deal with a particular problem area.