I don't know if I can ever have another boyfriend post-Jonathan. I came to the realization, that in a way, I have never broken up with him fully. I still hold him in the same place I had before, though not externally, internally, at least in my mind and perhaps heart. I subconsciously (and even consciously sometimes) judge others by him, and I have by most measures that others come up short, to my mind.
Perhaps there is something to the idea that there is something inherently in the human soul that, once bound to another human soul, is not loosed from that communion until the death of the other. I do not know.
On the other hand, I have felt oneness with Josh before in a quite powerful way, indeed -- but it is episodic, not continual. Indeed, I feel disconnected from him more often than not. It is as if there is a respect and an esteem I hold for Jonathan that I do not hold for Josh, or for anyone else, for that matter.
I do not say that I am right in this, only that it appears to be the reality of where I am.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Choose to Ask
In every moment, there is a way to walk that leads to eternal life. I want to choose this direction, and yet I am hapless to find it out without a director. If I try to find the path myself, I will miss the mark, and yet indeed I must seek it; I will seek it, and then I will be still and listen; close my eyes and ask, "what is the direction?".
There are markers set, these are the hints like the flashing arrow in a video game -- "this way to progress" -- or the "WRONG WAY" sign I see when I mistakenly try to enter an exit on the highway.
I am too small, too limited, in my self, to see these things by mere human instinct, because my instincts as a mortal are to preserve my mortality as long as possible; and yet, it is only if I lose my life that I will find it. If I am like the rich man who came to Jesus asking, "What must I do to achieve eternal life?", and then walk away sorrowfully when told I must give all my things to the poor and follow him, then I will not ascend. For I follow Jesus -- and he ascended, as witnessed by his disciples -- then I, too, will ascend.
Like waters in the ocean, I am in a sea of life, but I am nothing of consequence acting alone in isolation. I will meditate on the guiding principles, because they open up my mind to understanding the way, and they prepare my heart to receive the law. It is only when I ask with joy for the law, as the psalmist in Pslams 119, that I know that I have a proper understanding of it. And, when I keep his commandments and "his commandments are not odious", then they are truly written on my heart, and they are my helpers.
I must never follow a law out of dread, for that is a path of sorrow and futility, and doesn't even lead to life. The pursuit of mere religion is to accept as "gospel" the rules someone else has ordained, and then with great difficulty to attempt to observe them *mindfully*. But this was never the desire of our creator, that we would see life as a terrible struggle to live up to some perceived perfection of another; no, that is bondage, and his yoke is easy and his burden is light!
Compulsion is a device of the evil one; free will is the gift of Creator / Lover / All Is. Decrees and statutes are not to be carried with difficulty, placed as heavy burdens. It is true that right-ness, righteousness, is pictured in perfect observance of these; and we must accept that this is so to walk in righteousness. But it is the picture of our goal, our promised land, what WILL BE at the end of the path. No compassionate human mother gives birth to a child, and then is angry and shrill with her when she cannot walk, talk, and make her own bed immediately! Imagine the terror of the child if she knew this was expected of her immediately, and she tried to accomplish any of these tasks in her newborn state and failed miserably. This is the picture of us trying to achieve what we cannot in our own power in the place we are in.
The joy of life is knowing that the work has all been done for us, that life was never meant to be this hard. The holy law is our enemy if we take it on as a goal to achieve by ourselves; it is our friend, if we use it as a reference to know whether we are on track, and to merely ask for help when we are not. "Ask and you shall receive."
It is a path of joy and mercy, because our creator joyfully gives mercy to those who seek life with their whole heart, overlooking the missteps taken to get to here.
It matters not where you are, but only your direction: where are you going?
LM: I have done this or that wrong, and I have failed in doing right.
CG: This is good to know. Truth and honesty are required to walk in the path of life. I am here for you. I have never asked of you what you cannot do. Indeed, I ask nothing of you but you ask of me, and it is my joy to give you your request for life. You can always talk to me, and the channel is always opened with honesty. There is nothing you have done that is final while you live; why would you seek to deceive me? I joy in truth, and so shall you. I care not for what you have done, if you seek now life. I create paths in every eternal moment for each of you who seeks life. Your steps are made for you, do not work to create your own, but follow me faithfully, full of faith in me, that I am good and I will lead you home.
Seek now.
There are markers set, these are the hints like the flashing arrow in a video game -- "this way to progress" -- or the "WRONG WAY" sign I see when I mistakenly try to enter an exit on the highway.
I am too small, too limited, in my self, to see these things by mere human instinct, because my instincts as a mortal are to preserve my mortality as long as possible; and yet, it is only if I lose my life that I will find it. If I am like the rich man who came to Jesus asking, "What must I do to achieve eternal life?", and then walk away sorrowfully when told I must give all my things to the poor and follow him, then I will not ascend. For I follow Jesus -- and he ascended, as witnessed by his disciples -- then I, too, will ascend.
Like waters in the ocean, I am in a sea of life, but I am nothing of consequence acting alone in isolation. I will meditate on the guiding principles, because they open up my mind to understanding the way, and they prepare my heart to receive the law. It is only when I ask with joy for the law, as the psalmist in Pslams 119, that I know that I have a proper understanding of it. And, when I keep his commandments and "his commandments are not odious", then they are truly written on my heart, and they are my helpers.
I must never follow a law out of dread, for that is a path of sorrow and futility, and doesn't even lead to life. The pursuit of mere religion is to accept as "gospel" the rules someone else has ordained, and then with great difficulty to attempt to observe them *mindfully*. But this was never the desire of our creator, that we would see life as a terrible struggle to live up to some perceived perfection of another; no, that is bondage, and his yoke is easy and his burden is light!
Compulsion is a device of the evil one; free will is the gift of Creator / Lover / All Is. Decrees and statutes are not to be carried with difficulty, placed as heavy burdens. It is true that right-ness, righteousness, is pictured in perfect observance of these; and we must accept that this is so to walk in righteousness. But it is the picture of our goal, our promised land, what WILL BE at the end of the path. No compassionate human mother gives birth to a child, and then is angry and shrill with her when she cannot walk, talk, and make her own bed immediately! Imagine the terror of the child if she knew this was expected of her immediately, and she tried to accomplish any of these tasks in her newborn state and failed miserably. This is the picture of us trying to achieve what we cannot in our own power in the place we are in.
The joy of life is knowing that the work has all been done for us, that life was never meant to be this hard. The holy law is our enemy if we take it on as a goal to achieve by ourselves; it is our friend, if we use it as a reference to know whether we are on track, and to merely ask for help when we are not. "Ask and you shall receive."
It is a path of joy and mercy, because our creator joyfully gives mercy to those who seek life with their whole heart, overlooking the missteps taken to get to here.
It matters not where you are, but only your direction: where are you going?
LM: I have done this or that wrong, and I have failed in doing right.
CG: This is good to know. Truth and honesty are required to walk in the path of life. I am here for you. I have never asked of you what you cannot do. Indeed, I ask nothing of you but you ask of me, and it is my joy to give you your request for life. You can always talk to me, and the channel is always opened with honesty. There is nothing you have done that is final while you live; why would you seek to deceive me? I joy in truth, and so shall you. I care not for what you have done, if you seek now life. I create paths in every eternal moment for each of you who seeks life. Your steps are made for you, do not work to create your own, but follow me faithfully, full of faith in me, that I am good and I will lead you home.
Seek now.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Ridiculous Thoughts
There was never a not now. So which is the real me? How do I judge myself? Indeed, should I judge myself? I see so many signs. I am confused. Or maybe I am not confused, and I do not like the answer I know.
A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.
Shame and guilt are wearing me.
I am not as beautiful as I thought I was. It is more work.
Ugliness creeps out, bursts forth, it spews from my heart out of my mouth. For, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." You cannot deceive God, who searches the hearts of everyone. Every idle word will be accounted. If every idle word, then what of the pre-meditated word, brashly spoken? Indeed, is there a difference? What is in the heart comes out, so it must be that the idle word is only idle to the ignorant who deems it wrongly so. The Freudian slip.
I laugh, but it I have not peace.
Laughter can come from the surface. Peace comes from the true center of your soul, and bursts forth as rivers of living water, giving life to you and to those who partake of you. "Unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood..." So if I am a branch in the vine, then who partakes of me partakes of the vine itself, for I am grafted in. But if I am withered and broken off of the vine, then I am dead, and I have no life, and he who partakes of me dies also. For we who are mortal eat dead flesh, but it was not so from the beginning.
When will I live again? Give me this day, my daily bread; the living bread. But can I partake of this bread unwashed? For as those who were unclean can not partake in the passover, am I also not prepared to receive? For this reason many of you have become sick or fallen asleep, not discerning the body of Christ.
But we have grace, because where sin abounds, grace is even more abundant. If we still have breath, then the Spirit yet strives with us, breathing into us more grace and beckoning us to another eternal choice everpresent in the Now.
Break me from the bondage of the past, and the dread of the future, into the everlasting now! It is darkness that keeps me bound to my past, that lies to my face and tells me it is me forever, that the carcass I carry is all I have. I cannot erase my past in this shadow world; it casts long shadows that I and the world can see. But is a phantom compared to Me-In-Now, and I cannot be bound by it, except when I choose to be enslaved to it, as I have often. Why do I choose this? Because I have no faith. If I do not believe that the door leads me out of time bondage, then I will die in the dread of the future.
But I have life now! I can choose to continue in this eternal gift of manifold dimension, or else to live in the projected flat world with certain end.
Am I altogether unclean?
"He who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean, but not all of you."
A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.
Shame and guilt are wearing me.
I am not as beautiful as I thought I was. It is more work.
Ugliness creeps out, bursts forth, it spews from my heart out of my mouth. For, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." You cannot deceive God, who searches the hearts of everyone. Every idle word will be accounted. If every idle word, then what of the pre-meditated word, brashly spoken? Indeed, is there a difference? What is in the heart comes out, so it must be that the idle word is only idle to the ignorant who deems it wrongly so. The Freudian slip.
I laugh, but it I have not peace.
Laughter can come from the surface. Peace comes from the true center of your soul, and bursts forth as rivers of living water, giving life to you and to those who partake of you. "Unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood..." So if I am a branch in the vine, then who partakes of me partakes of the vine itself, for I am grafted in. But if I am withered and broken off of the vine, then I am dead, and I have no life, and he who partakes of me dies also. For we who are mortal eat dead flesh, but it was not so from the beginning.
When will I live again? Give me this day, my daily bread; the living bread. But can I partake of this bread unwashed? For as those who were unclean can not partake in the passover, am I also not prepared to receive? For this reason many of you have become sick or fallen asleep, not discerning the body of Christ.
But we have grace, because where sin abounds, grace is even more abundant. If we still have breath, then the Spirit yet strives with us, breathing into us more grace and beckoning us to another eternal choice everpresent in the Now.
Break me from the bondage of the past, and the dread of the future, into the everlasting now! It is darkness that keeps me bound to my past, that lies to my face and tells me it is me forever, that the carcass I carry is all I have. I cannot erase my past in this shadow world; it casts long shadows that I and the world can see. But is a phantom compared to Me-In-Now, and I cannot be bound by it, except when I choose to be enslaved to it, as I have often. Why do I choose this? Because I have no faith. If I do not believe that the door leads me out of time bondage, then I will die in the dread of the future.
But I have life now! I can choose to continue in this eternal gift of manifold dimension, or else to live in the projected flat world with certain end.
Am I altogether unclean?
"He who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean, but not all of you."
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